Theo Unmasked On Live Internet; Mooner Feels A Fool

 

So. Here I sit, feeling pretty dumb. I’ve had a commenter on this site for awhile who is smart, informed almost as an insider, and snarky as all hell. This person knows every button to push with me and he’s crafty as shit when he pushes them.

This guy, this fucking guy, has been all in my shit for months. He uses different historical pseudonyms when he shows up, and each new name has significance to the subject he has chosen to use as a hammer to beat me with. He’s played President Obama’s mother and Civil War Generals and even long-dead Vice Presidents. I’ve managed to see through all of the pseudonyms but one. I’ve either already known or been able to research all but one.

Theo.

Fucking Theo. I looked and looked and the only Theo that seemed even close to right was Theo Of ancient Smyrna. That Theo was like Plato’s mathematician, but I could find no evidence that he was tied to this Theo. It had the Smyrna attachment, but nothing else I could find.

In all of his different skins Theo has managed to pluck and pull at me, using my own ideologies and emotions as pick and strings. He has played me like I was a Gibson 12-string guitar, and he’s managed to make me play every-fucking tune he wishes. He comes in softly with but a slight edginess in the tone of his subjects and wordings. Then he starts to gradually escalate matters to the point where I want to set my hair on fire I’m so pissed.

And now. OK, stop the fucking presses. I just got an email that has cleared all of this shit up. See, I was getting ready to tell you guys that I’ve had strange feelings about the pseudonymous bastard over the last several days. I’ve had the sense that Theo actually knows me—that he’s someone from my past or present. In fact, I actually had it narrowed to two choices—a family member who carries himself as my polar opposite, and BJ. BJ from Dumb Perignon.

I had decided that it must be BJ because he made a misspelling my family member would not have made. The email just confirmed that BJ has been messing with me and laughing his ass off for months. MONTHS!

I have spent hours trying to be nice to his various characters. I have spent entire nights trying to match wits with him and never felt like I was even close. I even told Squatlo, a mutual buddy, that this Theo asshole is just that, a giant flaming asshole, but he’s mighty smart.

BJ just confirmed that he has been fucking with me and having himself a gay old time. Rotten mother fucker. My naive ass fell hook, line and sucker ball for all of his nonsense. Every word of it.

This might be the funniest prank anyone has ever pulled on me. Smart in structure, timing and deployment, and a safe prank. He’s made me so aggravated that I could set my own hair afire but I’ve never wanted to do him harm. He even managed to get me to feel sorry for him and wish I could help him. He has fucked with me for months.

He has messed with me as good as anyone has ever messed with me. So I’m raising my first Carta Blanca beer to my mind-fucking good friend, Bill—BJ from Dumb Perignon.

Cheers, dude. Love you like a brother.

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13 Responses to “Theo Unmasked On Live Internet; Mooner Feels A Fool”

  1. squatlo says:

    For what it’s worth, (and admittedly, it’s very little) the bastard was pulling my chain every time he got done pulling yours… If he hadn’t called a few days ago to confess, probably out of fucking pity for the fools he’s been toying with, I never would have known either. I tell you, Mooner, this guy is wickedly sly. Or we’re duller than “As the World Turns”. I’m beginning to think we’d make lousy detectives, you and I.

    But, there’s a silver lining to this deal… at least we aren’t confirming a troll infestation. I’m like you, I tend to spend way more time worrying about the lone negative voice who snipes at one of my posts than I am to think about the dozen or so positive comments one might provoke. All it takes is one prick to pop a balloon, and BJ knows just when we’re properly inflated for a memorable bust. Can you imagine having this guy for an enemy? He’s driven us crazy and he’s a friend! (We really need to talk to Miss Baby about finding Bill something to do with his idle time… what’s that saying about idle hands and the Devil?)

    Now I don’t know whether to Google every pseudonym-signin’ commenter’s name or just assume BJ’s behind the curtain chuckling his ass off… “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! He’s merely my assistant! I am the great and powerful Oz! Or Theo! Or Stanley Ann!”

    I may have told you I was once a master of spite, malice, and revenge. I call it “Shit-Fu”… an advanced self-defense martial art that makes kung-fu look like tag? Well, this is one Shit-Fu master who knows when to slink away to snipe another day…

    BJ’s one of the guys I want in my corner if we end up in a street fight. If I can serve to keep him amused until a foil comes along, great. I consider it a public service to the rest of the world. We should be rewarded for playing along so nicely.

    Dammit…

  2. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! THAT.IS.CLASSIC!!!! High five to BJ!! That’s just fucking hilarious. I even had one little tete a tete with “Theo” – I’m just glad that he wasn’t as nasty to me as he was to you guys! That right there is some fucking Hall of Fame pranking!!! Now, I think that Squat and Mooner and I need to come up with something to get BJ real good at BlogCon 2012…

  3. mel says:

    Wow! Why could I not be so smart to fuck with someone in such a way?? That is just plain epic. Can something be “plain” and “epic”? I don’t know. Pure genius!!

  4. chrisinphx says:

    sneaky! Didn’t see that coming, Im with you Mel…I have no talent when it comes to the mind fuck games

  5. admin says:

    Squat. I was sitting at dinner last night retelling this tale. I got to the part where I started to suspect Wild Bill BJ, and I broke out in laughter. Laughed until I was tearing on the tabletop. When I reconstruct what he has done to us both I’m struck by the genius of it.

    I was also struck by a thought of how to get back at him. Ready. We praise him and his loftier-plane brain and do everything we can to drive visitors to his sight. We do all the things to drive traffic for him that he refuses to do for himself. We push success on him. That, my fellow victim, will be revenge!

    If our readers had any idea the intricacies of Bill’s months-long practical joke on us they would be likewise impressed.

    Reck. We’ve got a year to plan. But we need to be careful. Even the bear is wary to prank the coyote.

    Mel. Not only was it a genius program but he’s had the stamina to keep at it without breaking character. He would have made a terrific spy.

    Chris. My only point of pride in this is that I finally figured it out. But even then I didn’t have certainty.

    Fuck me running. I think I’m going to miss Theo.

  6. squatlo says:

    Mooner, about your blog post title “… Mooner feels a fool”… a little advice: before you feel up a fool, ask if it’s okay. You’re gonna end up back in custody if you start groping village idiots without their permission. There are rules about such things, you know…

  7. admin says:

    Squat. Har-dee-har. Have you noticed the Master has remained silent through the last several days? His silence is disconcerting. He’s planning a big finale, I can feel it coming.

  8. Glen Boylan says:

    WHOA THERE, Hoss! I have it on good information that the “Riesen Arschloch” known as bj is 404 about the characters “Theo” and Stanley Ann Dunham”. However, Mugato,Schuyler Colfax, Maxey Gregg and yer most recent imposing impositioners ….. IS that stinkin’ sack a’ shit! The “Yer outta yer element” thingy is Walterspeak in TBL. Just havin’ a lil’ fun ….. and YOU, my Dear Mr. Johnson, Sir …… approved all the comments WITH bj’s EMAIL ADDRESS VISIBLE on every comment! No REAL disrespect meant …. just having fun. And PLEASE!!!! OH, PLEASE!! everyone headed to dumb perignon ……..PLEASE click the “BE THE FIRST!” tab to follow my dribble …. I mean HIS dribble shit …..

  9. F. Leghorn says:

    Well as he said before ……. “Oh! I can … I say …. I can TAKE it …… But I Pre ….I say …I PREFERS …. To dish it OUT!
    “Forget ….. I say ….. Forget it Donny ….. You’re ou ….I say ….. You’re OUT … of your element!” heh

    we’re all just wasting time out here on the innertubes, anyway …. I mean ….. except you PROFESSIONAL LEFT bloggers …………

  10. Granny Ook says:

    Mooner and company… I’m still laughing about this…

    I haven’t been reading these blogs very long. Was “Stanley Ann” one of BJ’s manifestations? I hope he isn’t that crazy- I read one of those comments and skimmed a couple more, then stopped. They were just too barking mad for me. I thought you had attracted the notice of someone who had been thrown out of a mental institution for lowering the tone of the place.

    I did think that Maxcy in particular might be fake- the crack about deciding WHO could vote in the Palmetto State seemed off-key… Right wingers are still pretending that their ongoing campaign to prevent Democrats from voting are really noble efforts to prevent “voter fraud,” not boasting about it (yet).

    In a way, BJ was shooting fish in a barrel- it’s almost impossible to tell real wingnuttery from fake these days. There’s pretty much nothing too ridiculous for a wingnut to top… viz the Okie Jokie who wants to ban eating fetuses.

    BJ has a dangerous sense of humor… that “SPEAK… If You Must” tagline on his comment form gives fair warning.

  11. Granny. Yessireee Bob, Stanly Ann was one of the many. BJ is a complicated machine, and that fetus bill is a serious hoot.

    Want to know the funny part? Now I’m concerned that any commentor who doesn’t have a link-back might be him. I’m starting to notice similarities in your and his prose.

    See what an incredible prank this is?

  12. Granny Ook says:

    Mooner- I sound like BJ? Don’t know whether to be flattered or insulted… Although if you start trying to figure out if some commenter is a real troll or a fake one, your ADD will go critical and you will have to do your posting from Shoal Creek. Best to just assume they’re all real and play along.

  13. bj says:

    I. Have. NEVER. Made. A. Comment. Posing. (and we’re ALL fucking POSERS, here, RIGHT?) As. Stan Ann. Or. Theo.
    ps …. Thanks, Granny! Changed My Comment tag Line Thingy!

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