Mooner’s Best Ad Choice; Wake Up Tea Bag Party


So. Here we all are. It’s the day after the super bowl and conversation around the Johnson family breakfast table centered not upon what must have been a boring game, but rather the advertisements. Adult Americans have now been brainwashed to pay extremely-close attention to Super Bowl ads because, and here I’ll quote one of the pretty faces from a morning network news shows, “These will be the smartest, funniest and most social-oriented ads of the year.”

Really? I think that the ads are better because advertisers have convinced us that they are the best.

I didn’t actually watch the game or the ads, but I did sit in the TV room with everyone else. I started a John Lescroart novel, Damage, after lunch and couldn’t manage to put it down. So I named myself “designated fetcher” for the game, parked myself closest to the kitchen, and sat to read. I went to fetch things for the others so they wouldn’t have to miss any action.

I’m a seriously fast reader—I devour words on the page—but I’m not a speed reader. I didn’t take an Evelyn Woods course to be a good, fast reader. I am, rather, an ADHD-fueled rocket reader. I can consume 2,000 words in a minute-and-a-half, but I can’t remember anything about them. My eyes jump all over the place so I am forced to read shit multiple times to maintain any shred of plot or circumstance. I can be reading and, as is often the case be distracted from the reading, and when I return to the book I can’t find my place.

I’ve always been this way and it has always been problematic. I think I’m lucky I’m creative and imaginative because as a scholar I’m dumb as a rock. Which brings up an issue I’d like to address. I want to address the issue to two groups of people. The first group are those folks who think there is no such thing as ADHD or ADD. Those of you who think ADHD is a liberal plot to authorize lazy and bad behaviors.

The second group I want to address are those of you who are pretenders and use ADHD and ADD as an excuse to be lazy and behave badly.

ADD is not the cause when you don’t do something because you don’t want to do it. ADHD is not the cause when you get drunk and make a fool of yourself. When you choose to not perform a promised task you are either lazy or you’re a lying asshole. When the only times you act out are times when you’re drunk, then you are an asshole and quite possibly an alcoholic asshole.

There are not, I think, as many people with actual ADD as there are impostors. Using a false diagnosis for ADD and ADHD has become the “my dog ate my homework” excuse for lazy, rude shitbrains. One of my customers told me once that he wanted to thank me for showing him how to get away with shit. He said, “Whenever I don’t want to do something I just go all scatter-brained and skip around subjects and then I’ll say something like, ‘Anyway,’ and I can get away with almost anything.”

I told the fuckball that his prices just increased by 25% and I thumped him on his nose. I had just been released from Sheriff Woozy Wozniac’s jail for accidentally making a scene at the car wash over to that place on Burnett Road, so I didn’t thump him hard enough to draw blood. But I did tell him that rather than tell people he has the ADHD he needed to tell them that he’s a lazy asshole.

Then when I got the call from my major competitor in the compost business asking me if the guy was a good customer, I said to him, I said, “Please take him off my hands.”

The other guy says, “Why, what’s the matter with him?” and I said, “Oh, nothing at all, he’s my best customer ever,” and than he says, “Thanks, Mooner.” When I hung up the phone I told Gnat to send the customer a letter telling him that after a review of his account, we have decided to put him on a cash only program.

Anyway, I’m sitting there reading my very good book. It’s about a wealthy San Francisco family who thinks they are above both the law, and the common man. An underwear commercial played and Gram and Mother started arguing over its appropriateness. “Didn’t show ‘is pecker, goddammit. Ruth-Ann swored ta me ya could see his pecker.”

“Oh, sweet Jesus, Gram, please don’t use that word. You know how it offends me.” This came from my mother with the back of her wrist placed dramatically to her forehead, and an equally dramatic scowl on her face.

“Oh quit yer bitchy-aching. Everbody inna room’s either got a pecker or needs one.”

Since everybody else in the room knew that Mother was speaking of Gram’s using the Lord’s name in vain and not her use of peckers, we smiled in unison as Mother fumed. And speaking of peckers, Mr. Dave turned out to be a huge Patriot fan, and a vocal one at that. He was wearing his official Patriots workout uniform of Tom Brady jersey, Pats cap and sweatpants. He was jumping up and down from his seat—a sturdy pecan wood chair that my grandfather made when lightening struck-down a big tree out back that was placed squarely in front of the big TV—and Mr. Dave’s eight pound pecker was bouncing around the loose cotton pants like a dog’s tail wagging inside a plastic bag.

I noticed that all the ladies were moaning and sighing every time he jumped up. I guess size really does matter and I was reminded how grateful I am to at least have that old Johnson charm.

I didn’t catch much of any of the commercials, but I went to the kitchen before halftime to get some platters of food ready for the break, and when I returned to the TV room to tell the others a voice caught my ear. I knew the voice but didn’t place it at first. The voice was speaking of America’s economic woes in the manner of a halftime speech, and it turned out to be Clint Eastwood narrating a Chrysler commercial about Detroit.

That commercial brought tears to my eyes. With the specific help of President Obama’s loan program and the amazing cooperation between company management and it’s UNION employees, Chrysler Corp. has returned from the brink of extinction to profitability. Government, big corporate interests and a unionized workforce joined hands to create a remarkable success, and they did it when many conservative voices predicted dismal failure.

Chrysler’s success can be a formula repeated in many other areas and industries. This wasn’t a Detroit phenomenon, this was an American dream scenario come true. You say our President’s economic programs are failures, I say fuck you, looka right here.

It wasn’t a perfect reunion between the company, union and the Administration but it was an honest one. Each side gave more than it wanted and ended with more than it dreamed possible. That’s what happens when people work together to move forward with specific, mutually agreeable goals in mind.

And that, dear friends, is why our Congress is stuck in reverse. We have factions controlling the House who find all positions not theirs disagreeable. They either want everything done their way or they want nothing done.

I say fuck them too. Wake up, assholes, America needs more successes like Chrysler. Manana, y’all.

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8 Responses to “Mooner’s Best Ad Choice; Wake Up Tea Bag Party”

  1. squatlo says:

    I somehow missed the Eastwood ad, but doubt he was singing Obama’s praises since he’s a rightie by nature. But you’re right about the bailout and saving the auto industry, despite the GOP’s best efforts to sink that Union boat in the harbor.

    The best commercial I saw was the one where the dog was bribing the guy with Doritos not to rat him out for eating the family cat. Laughed out loud at that one… the rest of them pretty much sucked, as usual.

    At least the game was close and entertaining.

    So you get all pissie when folks claim to be ADD sufferers when they’re actually just lazy assholes? Good for you, Mooner. Real disabilities shouldn’t be confused with sloth. My son is dyslexic, and it’s caused him hellova lotta problems academically, BUT he compensates by being very attentive. He’ll tell you he’s only made it through one entire book (DaVinci Code), but hasn’t suffered much because he catches ’em all at the theaters. Sigh…

  2. mel says:

    yep…i was all excited to watch the game and fell asleep during the first quarter! damn these pain meds! needless to say, i missed most of the commercials. i did see the one for bud light with the blue bottles being made and them filling them with beer, which just looked like a machine or unseen being pissing into a blue bottle to me. so i missed the chrysler commercial. sounds great…except that everything that i can see still sucks in detroit. maybe i’m just in a bad mood because i’ve had a shitty day (again) or maybe i’m still pissed that my husband still has not worked in months and the stress is taking its toll on me. i do love me some clint eastwood, and actually, when he shot gran torino here, a couple of people from the theater group i used to be in (imagine me dramatic on stage…you can do it) were extras…it was very cool seeing them on the big screen! and fuck all those wannabes and those who discount your condition. i have found it happens far too often with legitimate conditions and it makes me sick. you know which one bothers me?? the fuckers who blame their excessive swearing on tourette’s syndrome. my son has tourette’s and swearing is not one of his tics…and as a matter of fact, the extreme cases that they show on tv and in movies only occurs in about 1% of the people with the condition. so fuck all of them. i swear because i like the emphasis. i would never blame it on a neurological condition – and i would certainly never make light of a neurological condition either!

  3. bj says:

    I also loved the East Clintwood ad for Chrysler, and like you I was out of the room when it began and didn’t recognize the voice ( ) but Eagle Eared (?) Ms. baby said “Clint Eastwood” in response to my “Who IS that?”. Like you Squatty, I have seen and heard East make right wing comments before and have never heard anything REMOTELY liberal (‘cept in a couple of Rawhide episodes concerning Injuns and Black folk) come outta his gob. In this ad, however Clintwood calls the Obama ‘bailout’ of the auto industry “the right thing to do” then went all John Wayne wavin’ the Stars and Stripes (in front of a picture of Jezus high-fivin’ a Bald Eagle) while the Battle Hymn of The Republic played in the background and talkin’ about “it’s half-time for America”. The game itself was tolerable and though almost a duplicate of the ’08 Superbowl we all had big fun hollerin,’ eatin’ TOO many wings and dips and shit, drankin’ a lil’ drank and smokin’ a lil’ smoke. I could NOT have read a book during game time, though, as you did …. but I’m not surprised you went all Shirley Booth for everyone else’s pleasures. Shows you had a good upbringin’ ……..

  4. chrisinphx says:

    I was glad Maddonna didnt have a wardrobe malfunction and flash us.

  5. squatlo says:

    Mel, Gran Torina was a great film, and if you had friends in it you should sing its praises with an Ethel Merman-esque wail…

    Mooner as Shirley Booth… Hazel Legacy?

  6. Q says:

    I’m not a fan of bailing out companies (since I believe bad businesses should suffer the consequences of their decisions), but aside from that belief, it turned out pretty well. Of course, Detroit is still a long way from being the city it once was, but at least this is a start. I only caught the tail-end of the commercial, but anything with Clint Eastwood in it has to be super-cool.

  7. mel says:

    Hey Q…correct me if I’m wrong, but the auto makers took out a government LOAN. They did not get bail out money, like the banks…who were supposed to help homeowners and have only turned around and made it harder on many homeowners. And I am pretty sure that some of that loan money has already been paid back…early even. And the downfall of those auto companies was not going to just effect them. I work in health care, and despite everything that was done, cuts were made where I work as a result of what was going on with them. The entire state, perhaps even the region, would have seen the effects had they just gone under. It is still desolate and many, many people are still out of work. The auto companies are working again, but the trickle down effect is very slow. The Detroit area is still a very sad place to be. Please try to remember that it wasn’t just big business getting hurt by bad decisions made by executives that are no longer with the companies. It hurt everyone in the community. A loan is not the same thing as a bailout.

    Squat…at the beginning of the movie, there is an older couple…a man with white hair and a lady with short reddish hair – those are my friends Don and Jan (they have known my grandparents for years and when I joined the theater group, I got to know them too…they are great people!!). Jan is in another scene later in the movie too. I guess people still drive by the house where much of the movie was shot still! It was kind of cool that they were filming so much here….our new governor fixed all that.

  8. Squat. Dyslexia is a tough one. Back in the days before ADD was a diagnosis they said that’s what I had. Treated me for it for several years. That’s one of the toughest maladies for a kid to have.

    Mel. How’s it hanging, Baby? Other than joking about it when it was a focal point in that old TV show I have but one personal experience with tourettes. Allie McBeal? Was that the show? I had an employee once whose face would have these little waves of ticks roll around their face. When they were nervous they made a snickering sound, a little stutter. Another tough one for a kid.

    Beej. MMMMM- smoked wing fest! Mother thought Clint was a homo-sex-u-al on account of his part in Rawhide. I’ve often disagreed with his positions but he usually has well-thought positions. Wrong, but well thought.

    Q. It was a loan as opposed to the bailout with Wall Street. I understand your sentiments, but when big money investors ruin entire industries so that they can feast on forign profits at the expense of American workers, we need to draw a line in the sand. Just like a down-in-the-mouth school kid with problems in school doesn’t need to be expelled for missing classes, our depressed auto industry didn’t need to eliminate its union workforces to be profitable. That deunionization is what big money wanted and the Prez’s program stopped that, and is a huge success.

    Mel. Loved the movie and the anti-smoking message as well. How bad would Detroit be without Chrysler’s turnaround?

    Chris. Like Jerry Jones, Mad Donna has had a little work done. From the looks of things, her new high cheeks were made when the doc streatched her skin so tight her titties ended up on her face. If her shirt came open, we’d likly see what used to be her knees. I never liked her knees.

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