Another Photo Post Adventure; TV Sally Returns

 

So. I got all of my hair shaved off at an event to raise money for children’s cancer treatment and cure. It was raining and the Squirt refused to wear her rain slicker, so I left all the animals home and went with Dr. Sam I. Am. She treats a few kids with cancer and wanted to be there for support and to take the photos of my shearing.

We got there at noon even though my shearing was scheduled for 2:00 pm. I checked in at Fado’s Irish Pub, which was crushed with Saint Balderick’s hair cutting participants and Saint Paddy’s Day celebrants both. We went early to eat first and ended next door at a place called STACK Burger Bar.

Let me say one thing about STACK’s. Hoo-yah! I had a hamburger—medium fucking rare—and a big mound of French fries. I got the truffle oil option for my fries and was rewarded with the new second-best fries in town. Had these been fried in duck fat before the light sprinkle of truffle oil, they’d be better than what I make.

Since I’m adding the truffle to my home fries, STACK fries will remain at number two no matter what. Dr, Sam had a grilled cheese with jalapeños and was quite happy with it. She did, however, eat nearly half of my crispy fries. I kept hoping that the truffled fries would spark a reminder of our better days together, but, and alas, it only reminded her that Austin has some truly great places to eat.

We ate what I would highly recommend you to eat at STACKS Burger Bar and returned next door for my shearing. The rain didn’t seem to dampen spirits, but a few of the people getting sheared were nervous. I wasn’t nervous even a little bit save my worry that my giant shaved head will scare kids. Or Special Agents in Charge for Homeland Security. SAC Ellen didn’t come home to Austin until Sunday, a full day after my scalping.

I dropped Sammie off at her house and headed back to the ranch. When I walked into the kitchen and removed my hooded rain slicker it was a strange dealie. Gram said, “Ya look lik that TV Sally fella, Mooner. I always thought he was a hot hunk a ass.”

OK, don’t you guys start thinking that my Gram’s hots for Telly Savalas transfers to hots for Mooner. Just know that my Gram has the hots for any man with a working pecker and not a Johnson.

OK, wait. That doesn’t sound quite right. Let me rephrase and say that Gram likes any man that isn’t family who can still get it up.

“Size don’t matter, Mooner. It’s tha density,” is my grandmother’s pecker mantra.

Mother’s response was quite different. “Oh, for Heaven’s sake, son. You look like a serial killer, or a rapist. How will I ever explain this to my friends?”

“Tell them that I make house calls, Mother. Tell them I’ve got great bulk-densities.”

I can be a seriously funny sumbitch sometimes. After everybody made their initial comments, everybody wanted to feel it—my scalped noggin, a noggin that has been accused of having great denseness for many years.

“Feels like Velcro,” Aunt Hilda told me. “Maybe it’ll keep your hat on in the wind.”

I have trouble keeping my hat on my head on windy days. “That’s a sweet thought, Aunt Hilda,” I told her. “How about we shave Dubbie-J’s head for you?” Doubbie-J is Hilda’s shrunken head that’s housed in a mahogany box which never leaves her side.

“Oh, don’t be silly, Mooner,” Aunt Hilda giggled at me. “ Dubbie-J’s locks are his Hallmark.”

Indeed.

The first thing I wanted to do after the shearing was to shave my scalp clean and trim my beard into something, so I headed back to my room. Let me preface the following by telling you that I hate routine shaving and would never shave my face if there were no women in the world. That said, shaving my scalp was a trip. First thing I did was lather my head with shave cream, which made me look like a giant Q-Tip.

I had all the pets crammed into my bathroom to watch, and they were hooting at me. “You look like coconut lollipop with eyes, Bwana Mooner,” Squirt said. They all hooted some more.

Anyway, it took almost an hour to get the head part shaved, me shaving and the Squirt directing me. I tried to do it with the mirror and lacerated my scalp in the process. Having a dog who talks has definite advantages.

When I got to my beard, I was growing tired of shaving and said, “Fuck it. Let’s do a Van Dyke and shave my balls to be done with it.”

Now I’m bald on top and bald on the bottom with a week’s worth of Van Dyke in the middle. I’m going to attempt to post the pics of before, during and after the shearing for your pleasure. But first let me tell you two things.

First, I picked SAC Ellen up at noon Sunday and went hunting for a lunch place. We landed at Lucky J’s Chicken and waffles on Burnett Road across from Sue Patrick’s place. Holy fucking shit, guys. This is a great chicken and waffle joint. It’s like a dive bar except with great chicken and waffles. This is as good a place as STACKS Burger Bar except with chicken and waffles and a better atmosphere. Not that STACKS has bad ambiance, it’s just that I prefer joints to fine dining establishments.

The Lucky J waffle was something special, like a giant crepe grilled in a waffle iron. Great texture and chewiness that SAC Ellen and I both loved. The chicken was crisp and juicy and mighty tasty. They have dozens of different hot sauces and folks, we love us some hot sauce. This place says “Old Austin Hippie Joint” to me.

Hell, it’s only a couple miles from where the old Stallion Drive In used to be. I miss the Stallion and Lucky J’s might take some of that sting away.

The second thing is this. I’m leaving on a business trip to Dallas and won’t be back until the end of the week. So this will be all until then.

OK, here’s the pics, I hope. Manana, in several mananas, y’all.  Oh yes.  Please buy my book.

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4 Responses to “Another Photo Post Adventure; TV Sally Returns”

  1. admin says:

    Everyone. Well, of course, there aren’t any fucking photos. I’m having a few beers and will try again.

  2. squatlo says:

    Want me to post ’em on Squatlo-Rant and you can just provide a linky? Don’t mind, as long as I get to post my own explanation of what’s going on in the pictures. Probably tell everyone it had something to do with de-lousing Mooner for his pets’ sake. Happy to help!

  3. Squat. Yes, please post them. Notice how I didn’t tell folks that you helped me just in case I had these troubles. My thingie says that it posts the “Photo Gallary” and inside the Admin dealie id shows a “Photo Gallary”[.] Then, of course, no fucking pics.

    Ugh.

  4. Leonel says:

    Man oh man, I have the same problem most of the time. I uslualy just decide to not have them all together but you need to carry that mindset before you set foot in the restaurant! Good to see you back! Keep up the great work!-Jacob

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