Does God Really Hate Gays? Nope, She Doesn’t


So. What a weekend, huh? Tornadoes ravaging Nebraska, eighty boiling degrees in Chicago and two feet of snow in Ari-fucking-zona, all on the same winter day. When asked if this might be evidence of man-effected global warming, Presidential hopeful and right-wing Christian fuckball, Rick Santorum, answered, “There must be concentrations of gays in Tuscon, Grand Platte and on Michigan Avenue. That’s homosexuals bringing god’s will to bear, not global warming.”

I made up that quote, but little Ricky put the words in my mouth. According to the former Senator from Pennsylvania, homosexuality is why America has any problems it has. For the life of me I cannot figure out how the gay folk of America have managed to ruin our country so terribly. Since that silly prick thinks that god is the cause of all events good, bad and even indifferent, his god must really hate homosexuals.

One of the toughest of these god thingies for me to digest is the concept that a growing population of homosexual Americans is causing god to ruin the institution of Marriage. I can get the gist of Santorum’s thinking on the weather dealie if I shut my eyes, imagine that an Evil Tinker Belle sprinkles my now bald head with Trixie Dust, drive a spike through my frontal lobe and then pretend to be Catholic. As a brain dead blind Catholic under the influence of mind-altering drugs, I can envision a god who might kill people and wreck innocent lives on purpose. Maybe I should say wreck things “with” purpose. I’m saying that this particular god is willful and has an agenda when he kills and maims and destroys.

If I imagine a god who is powerful enough to create all of the heavens and earth, but one who fucks up so badly that he can’t then control those creations, then I can envision a god with anger management issues. If I let my brain go that stupid, I can see this same god starting famines and wars, and stimulating tsunami waves, just for the entertainment value.

“Hey, Martha,” god tells his girlfriend. “Wanna see me trap a couple hundred miners three-thousand feet underground and at the same time how about I’ll send this asshole to a Jewish school over to Paris to kill some little kids? White folks will hate this one way better than when I sent that Army Sargent to slaughter those Afghani women and kids the other week.”

I wonder if god eats popcorn while he watches this shit?

Maybe god has this giant big-screen TV with like a million channels that he watches all at the same time. And Holy shit, god must have terrible ADHD if he can watch a million channels all at once. I know with the help of my ADHD I can watch six channels at the same time, but a million?

I mean, looka here, folks, just like Rick Santoria, our boy Hitler felt he was doing god’s work too. I beg anybody to find a distinguishable difference between Hitler’s justifications for his persecutions and those of today’s modern American Christian right-wing religious shitwads. Hell, I fucking dare you to show me. But since my lobotomy grew back and I’ve grown almost tolerant of Trixie Dust, I don’t think I can buy your bullshit.

My assessment of this theological theory is this: Any god who would kill kids for sport is an asshole god, and if you worship an asshole god, in my eyes that makes you an asshole. Asshole in, asshole out.

But this “gays kill marriage” scenario is so far off base that it makes my head swim. As a group, gay people want marriage to be a stronger institution by definition. While millions of straight people are logging on to Ashly Madison to find another person to help them desecrate their heterosexual marriages, gay people want to enter into marriages to sanctify their monogamous unions.

For every Liz Taylor, Mickey Rooney and Mooner Johnson with handfuls of failed marriages, there are Lloyds and Mikes—gay and married couples with long term, sound unions. For those of you asking, Liz, Mick and I sport more than two dozen marriages between us—the three of us each need two hands to count them.

Lloyd and Mike adopted two teen girls when Lloyd worked in mental health care way back. Both are now women with kids—Mike and Lloyd’s grandkids—and my friends are quite proud grandparents. All through the party Friday night, the grandkids were texting their granddads to tell them whatever it is that sixteen-year-old twin boys text these days.

Which brings up a question for Rick Santorum and his ilk. If gay people are so terrible for Society, why are so many of them Society’s best? And if you try to answer me with that “Well, god moves in mysterious ways” bullshit, I’m gonna thump your nose.

And by the way, I am making the conscious choice to use lower case g’s and h’s when speaking of gods. At least for now. This is my way of protesting against people who use their god to justify stupidity and hate. Maybe I’ll start saying Gay and Homosexual. Maybe I’ll capitalize everything that bugs the right-wing Christians, like Abortion, Condoms, Birth Control Pills, Blow Jobs, Public Education, Science and the likes. Maybe I’ll start lower-casing christians too. Take that, rick santorum, you right-wing asshole catholic semi-christian fuckball..

OK, Maybe I need medication.

Which reminds me. There was a big study done that has now concluded that when a pregnant mother takes crystal meth it can cause serious problems in the kid, assuming the kid gets born alive. No fucking kidding. Maybe those same scientists can do a study to find a connection between electrocutions and electricity.

But rick santorum and Silly Scientists aren’t the only ones who fuck shit up. I took the dogs over to Dr. Sam I. Am-Johnson’s house to help me mow the lawn and clean her pool for her. Those services are part of my payments to my ex-wife and therapist for her helping solve the four dimensional Rubik’s cube that is my mind.

“Let’s take the dogs for a walk,” I told her. “It’ll be good for all of us.”

I like to walk the dogs on pavement and sidewalks because it keeps their nails trimmed. I hate trimming their nails.

“You haven’t leash trained them well enough, Mooner, it’s frustrating to walk with both of them together. They’re always under foot and I worry that I’ll step on one of them, or that you’ll trip and crack your crazy skull.”

Well, I talked her into it, and yes, I fucked things up. There was a vulture eating on a dead rabbit in the street and I wanted Yoda to have a chance to chase the big bird, and I wasn’t paying attention to the rest of the world, and… And, well, Yoda got ahead of me and under Sammie’s feet and, “Boom! Down goes Sammie, down goes Sammie, down goes Sammie.”

Bashed and scraped knees, hands, shoulder and face, each packed with loose rocks and grit from the newly-paved street. A very nice Asian couple—Charlie and Jo Ann—saw my blunder and drove us all home. Jo Ann eyed me like I was a war criminal as she fussed over the doctor like a grandmother. Each time I tried to assist Sammie, Jo Ann would shoo me off with a look. I took her to an emergency clinic to discover that her wounds are only superficial while my wounds are deep, and wide.

“Why do you put up with him?” the ER Doc asked my ex-wife.

“Good question without any good answer,” was the answer.

Me, I’m thinking Dr. Sam I. Am will be speaking to me by the end of the week. Otherwise I think I need a discount on my therapy sessions. The one-sided conversations in psycho therapy don’t seem to be helping me.

Manana, y’all.




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6 Responses to “Does God Really Hate Gays? Nope, She Doesn’t”

  1. squatlo says:

    Whenever I hear the old saw (why’s a stupid old saying called an old “saw” anyway?) that gay marriage would threaten the sanctity of hetero marriages I have to stop and ask how that’s possible. I mean, if two gays hooking up in Boston is gonna make my marriage shaky here in Murfreesboro, my marriage was already pretty shaky. There’s no correlation between this “threat” and anything else related to marriage. People should encourage stable, long term relationships, right?

    Wouldn’t that be a family value?

  2. Squat. You obviously suffer from the same fail to see the logic as me. I guess you can’t be family if you’re gay.

    Having said all of that, you, dear friend, will have a strong marriage as long as The Keeper of the Nads wants it. Hell, I dare you to tell her you’re not happy. I’ll tape your ass kicking and have myself a viral vid.

  3. mel says:

    I know that I have stated my feeling about gay marriage and religion…here for that matter. I still can’t figure out how it is that I get shocked every time some asshole tells us how bad it is…whatever to that. And I too have pictured that same god scenario in my mind.

  4. God's Child says:

    People like you are the main reason America is swimming in a cesspool of sin. The fact that you can print something so crass as, “As a brain dead blind Catholic under the influence” is heretical and blasphemous. How dare you speak against God and The Church. There is only one God and only one Son, the Saviour. I would look over my shoulder and worry that God would seek you out for punishment.

    You will burn in Hell and suffer a thousand deaths every day for eternity. I will pray for you.

  5. admin says:

    Mel. If you’ll look at the comment from God’s Child that follows yours, you’ll gain some insight into the mind of those assholes.

    Welly-welly well, if it isn’t if it isn’t a ghost from the past. How’s it hanging, Child? I see that you are still praying for me, but are you still praying that I burn in hell, or lose a child, or suffer ass-rape by one of the homosexual men I call “friend”? Or have you chosen to pray for goodness in my life?

    Where have you been? I know you have been absent for over a year this time. Did the catholic Intolerance League assign you to monitor me again? Did you notice that I marginalize you and your hateful god by decapitalizing them? Does that maybe piss you off?

    But hey, your opinions are important to me. You don’t seem to be blind, but you are a brain dead catholic under the influence of a huge dosing of dogma. Where do you stand on that whole pedifile priest issue?

  6. mel says:

    I am dizzy from laughing. Its just hard to muster any respect for that…

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