Mother Nature- Myth or Magic; Fig Jam And Other Natural Disasters


So. Another day in short-term paradise. It’s absolutely beautiful here to Austin, Texas, and that scares the living shit right out of me. I’m starting to bear (bare?) convictions that Mother Nature is seriously pissed with the human race and that She has decided to make a point. I think She’s starting to fight back for our last 2,000 years of soiling Earth’s pristine nature, and the punishments will be viscious.

Which thoughts have at this very instant inspired an idea. What if Mother Nature is the one, the only, true and everlasting God? What if the Heavenly Spirit manifested Herself in the form of Earth Mommy? Since all the christian right-wing fuckwadders claim that it is their god who makes all the natural disasters happen, what if they are right about just that small part of their dogma?

If I imprint my mind with the basic supposition that God is Mother Nature, then I can more easily justify many of the bible’s more ridiculous stories. Burning bushes, parting seas, and great floods can actually make a little sense to me. I can see a pissed off Mother Nature bringing seven year plagues whereas a god of much larger scope would only bring natural disasters if he were an asshole. That god would be blaming humans for exhibiting the same flawed nature that god himself had created.

Only assholes punish others for their own mistakes.

Like Schmidt Rommel’s Etch-A-Sketch, maybe the Great Flood was Mother Nature’s most recent method to cleanse her sacred Earth of mankind’s ugly art. I’m not sure how we managed to fuck things up so badly all those years ago, but we must have done some sort of polluting. We hadn’t yet discovered oil and oil-smutting machines, and our worse water and soil pollutions were over-grazing and whenever some drunk bastard pissed upstream from the encampment.

If she was angry enough to flood the entire world back then, how pissed must Mother God be now that we have totally fucked things up? Which reminds me of something. It appears that the Feds are finally going to ban the practice of adding antibiotics into animal foods. What, in the hell, has taken so long?

Oh, that’s right, the Ag lobby is pretty fucking powerful. Greedy asswipe, right-wing corporate farming shitballs. Me, with how the mega-super-sized corporate farms are medicating and gene-altering our livestock, I’m thinking Mother Nature might be wise to stockpile another two each just in case.

Then again, where would a person even find and original chicken? I wonder what the first chicken looked like. If I bore rick santorum’s ideologies, I would wonder if god had invented all the animals and other shit by first casting the male of each species. Since I don’t think like that sanctimonious little prick, I’m left to imagine a few million years of evolution between chicken and egg.

OK, maybe a million years egg-to-chicken. But like my Gram always says, when she says, “Who gives a shit, Mooner. Pass me one a them ranch eggies an a chicken taco. No, dammit, I said a chicken taco not a porkie one.”

Sister and her wife, Anna the Amazon, were over to make us all breakfast this morning. My sister makes Huevos Rancheros as well as they can be made, and I taught Anna how to make breakfast tacos when we were married to each other. Anna was, and still is, a terrible cook. But I taught her the taco tricks and Gram taught her how to can figs. She makes the most of those two recipes and Sister told me once that she thought she might hang herself if she had to even look at another jar of fig jam.

Not me. I can’t get enough of good fig preserves. Or jam—I never can remember the differences. Which reminds me. My good buddy, BJ from over to the Dumb Perrignon, is planting a fig tree up to Murphreesboro, Tn., and he needs an idea as to which varieties would do well there. If any of you guys have a suggestion, please let him/me know.

Screw it, I’m going fishing. Manana, y’all.


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3 Responses to “Mother Nature- Myth or Magic; Fig Jam And Other Natural Disasters”

  1. Did you ever wonder why food in one form is yummy, but in another form makes you want to barf? The thought of fig jam makes me want to barf. But I like fig newtons. I dig sweet potato pie…but I cannot eat sweet potatoes any other way – plain, in that souffle form, or in tempura. And I can’t believe that you have tomatoes going already…soooo jealous!

  2. Father-of-the-Year Nominee, Mooner Johnson says:

    Reck. I get the variable preparations dealie. Like I’d not even try pork sushi, yet cooked pig is a favorite. And the garden is already looking glorious. This weather is starting to freak me out. For the year we’re averaging plus 10-degrees every day.

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