Big Announcement Inside; Are You An Asshole? Find Out Here

 

So. Today’s posting subject is a secret that I’ve been attempting to hold tight to my chest for an entire fucking month. See, Quincy over to the Common Sense bloggie asked me to do a guest visit at his place, and after I wrote and submitted the posting to Sir Q, I realized that it disclosed to his readers things not herein predisclosed to you guys. Since I got Q’s dealie written early to meet deadlines, I didn’t want to say anything here to spoil the surprise over there.

It isn’t that I don’t like Quincy’s readers and buddies, it’s that I like you all better. Not that I won’t like Q’s readers any less in the future, it’s just that I don’t know most of them and some might be assholes—which isn’t my way to say that my buddy Q attracts assholes. Now I’m sounding like Political Correctness is my party line, an ill-fitting costume formel, as the French like to say. I don’t wear political correctness well.

OK, look. The guest posting by me is playing over to the Q’s place very soon—as in right now—and some of his readers should make their way over here to Loonyland. If some of them are assholes, I want to insure that I strictly enforce my personal code to insure I fully-disclose to those assholes that I think they are—in fucking fact—assholes.

What I’m trying to say is that I spend some amount of time with every one of my postings to drive the assholes away from my pages. I work hard to hurt your feelings if you are someone I consider to be an asshole. If you think that government SHOULD regulate every American woman’s choices for her own body yet you think that government SHOULD NOT insure that every American child gets the chance to have a free public education of the highest possible quality, then I know that you are an asshole.

If you think that my sister and her wife are sinners living in sin simply because they are lesbian—you, dear friend, are a fucking asshole. If you think that giant flaming asshole Zimmerman was justified when he committed murder down to Floriduh, then you too are a giant flaming asshole.

Asshole is a big word and has many meanings, so please allow me to narrowly refine said meanings to my personal use of the word asshole in this context. An asshole is a bigot. And, basically, a bigot is, “Any person who is intolerantly devoted to his own prejudices or beliefs, or/and one who treats the members of a group with intolerance and/or prejudice.”

And holy shit is my ADHD running at full throttle. My already disparate thoughts have become distracted. At this very instant: I’m talking to the people and bots who read over to Q’s place; I’m writing about a secret that I wanted to disclose herein a month ago but couldn’t because of the story I wrote for Q; I’m bitching about assholes; other things and such; and I am, for certain, thinking about sex.

Of the fifteen independent lines of thought currently running through my ADHD-addled brain, nine are centered on sex as the subject line. My main, and only, squeeze is somewhere in America teaching local law enforcement officers how to combat terroristic threats. As a Special Agent in Charge, US Department of Homeland Security, SAC Ellen has been spending way too little time in Austin to properly service me. Not getting sexed on a routine basis seems to cause my already frittered mind to become even more fritzed.

In my guest appearance at Quincy’s, I mention the fact that Rick Perry wants to get a boob job. Normally I would call getting a new set of fake titties “breast augmentation” surgery, but Rick Perry is so dumb I think boob job is a better fit. My big ostrich wants giant boobies because Rush Limbaugh, Ricky’s gay lover, is a breast man, and, OK, lets stop again. Maybe you should go over to Quincy’s place and read what I wrote there first, and then come back here. You can find Quincy at ThankQforCommonSense . The referenced story is running. At least I think it is.

Now that you are up to date it’s time to tell you the big secret. I want to announce here to the entire world that I, Mooner Johnson—father of both grooms—wish to announce that Rick Perry and Rush Limbaugh will be wedded into holy matrimony in a ceremony to be held at the Johnson Family Ranch at five pm on Saturday the 26th of May.

Since the pig and ostrich have lived in the closet in an effort to keep the world blind to their homosexual affair for over a year now, a Coming-Out Party will be held on Saturday the 5th of May. This party will be in lieu of a bridal shower. I’m very excited about the wedding because the closet where these two lumpheads have been hiding is located in my bedroom.

Now that the cat is out of the handbag at Quincy’s place, I can start telling you guys all about wedding plans and all of that shit. As for Rick Perry’s boob job, I am going to attempt to trust the readers of Q’s bloggie to give me guidance.

Which reminds me. My tomato plants are already waist high and some chest high, and all are covered with tomatoes. The lovely little gems are as big as golf balls and the weird warm and wet winter weather has plastered a bumper crop of them to every fat plant. Today and Sunday we are scheduled for high winds, heavy rains and dense, large hailstorms. The Weather Service issued only its second way-in-advanced warning in history because these storms are going to be a bitch.

Mo-ther fuck-er.

Which reminds me of one last thing for today. If you think that Global Warming doesn’t exist or you think it is one of the more curious aspects of “god’s will”…

Then you, dear friend, are a right-wing republican goat-fucking braindead religious—and likely bigoted—asshole.

OK, I lied, as I have one more thing. America was founded by groups of people who held wildly differing political and religious viewpoints—all of whom, and each of whom as well—were persecuted for holding said viewpoints. All of those differing beliefs were merged into a basic document—the Constitution, with its attending Bill of Rights—that carefully explained that all men were created equal and that religion had no place in the government of those people. It stated that America was founded under god, not under YOUR god’s thumb.

These folks were mostly descendants of the Inquisition and all had lived under the tyrannical rules of Monarchy governments. They were told where to work, how to pray, where to live and they were not allowed to make decisions for themselves. Only the wealthiest or those of the ruling classes were even allowed to obtain educations. The greater common populations of the entire fucking world lived under those oppressions.

Our Forefathers fought a bloody war to separate America from those oppressions so that our people, We—those people—would never be faced with those oppressions again. Yet here we are in the year 2012 fighting for our freedoms once more. I have one simple question about this:

Why?

And one simple answer:

ASSHOLES!

Manana, y’all.

 

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6 Responses to “Big Announcement Inside; Are You An Asshole? Find Out Here”

  1. squatlo says:

    Mooner, if you dumped a post concerning gay pigs and birds getting boob jobs and planning a marriage on Quincy’s unsuspecting readers and friends, you have probably just alienated about half of his followers in one fell swoop.

    I’m sure most of them are sitting around saying, “Who the fuck is Mooner and what the hell happened to Q?”

    And just for the record, I planted my first four tomato plants about a week ago and a sudden freeze came through and killed all four of them. The fact that you’ve got waist high plants covered in tomatoes is disgusting as hell, and I couldn’t be more jealous if you were sending us pictures of a three-way with Chelsea Handler and Kathy Griffin.

    Nice asshole definitions, though. Nailed ‘em.

  2. admin says:

    Squat. “Who the fuck is Mooner,” and “What the fuck is wrong with that boy?” are two of my life’s most often asked questions. The answers are somewhat complicated, and happily, I don’t give a shit as to what folks might think those answers to be.

    To bad about your maters. I’m watching the radar as the nasties build up to head our way.

  3. Q says:

    Congrats on the wedding! I’m sure that it will be a very interesting affair and that Rick will look great in a wedding dress with the new boobs.

    I’m sure my followers will get a kick out of the post. I always try to hit them with something different and Mooner is about as different as it can get! Besides, how would at look to have recently promoted a book without giving the potential buyers a sneak peek at the product? :)

    Thanks, Mooner! My readers are being entertained while The Mrs. and I chill in Florida on our 10th anniversary vacation!

  4. squatlo says:

    Congrats, Quincy! Enjoy your trip!

  5. chrisinphx says:

    Bwahahahahaha!!! Mooner, this is by far one of my favorite posts!

  6. Father-of-the-Year Nominee, Mooner Johnson says:

    Hey, Chris. Thanks. I bet you liked the goatfucker dealie. That was my granddaddy’s favorite pet name for an asshole.

    I guess I should likely say “Sorry” to all the goats out there.

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