pope Still A Prick And Geraldo Rivera Is A Dick; easter Wishes From Austin, Texas

 

So. Just when I thought I could move on to happy subjects and away from the hypocrisies and redundant bigotry of modern christian dogma, the flouncy old queen of all things catholic gives two speeches in a row that manage to refocus my attentions.

Please note: Until the bulk of christiandom stops persecuting gays, lesbians and transgenders too, and as long as they attempt to enforce legislation that takes away a woman’s right to make her own choices about all things her body—I choose to minimize all things christian by using the diminutive version of grammar when discussing them. Said another way, I will not acknowledge their names with capital letters. Won’t use capitols either.

That having been said, her royal highness, herr pope bentdick the sixteenth—chief fuhrer of the holy roman nazi church—spoke on Thursday to warn progressive catholic priests of the dangers of pushing modernized ideology. These progressives would like to see women as priests and allow women to make decisions about their own bodies without incurring the wrath of the church.

Why, during this holiest week of all holy weeks, the old Nazi fuckball decides to dress-down his church’s free thinkers and attack womens’ rights is way beyond my ability to reckon. (E)easter, I would think, is a time to take a happy swim in the pool of everlasting life. This should be when the pope’ster jumps in that pool and splashes its holy water on all who would listen. I was raised baptist, of the southern persuasion, and not catholic. But I know that baptists and catholics share the resurrection of jesus as the central theme and center post upon which their entire religions were born.

Holy shit but that was awkward. Let me try again. It is upon the rebirth and resurrection of jesus that all christian religious dogma are founded. Awkward once more, but accurate. To get to heaven, a christian must be a true believer that jesus died a most horrible death on the cross and was then reborn to go home to see his daddy, god. I remain unsure as to the specificities of mormon ideologies on this issue, but hold steadfast in my thought that mormons remain one little ‘m’ from the truth.

If it were true in the literal sense, that all we need to do to have everlasting life in heaven is believe in jesus as our saviour, then shouldn’t the pope be a little more focused on that? Rather than chastise some of the boys for thinking for themselves, might he have gotten more into the spirit of easter? Spanking the catholic bad boys could have waited until next week. I mean really, easter comes but once a year and bad boys are bad the whole year around.

However, the pope is an angry old shitball who reminds me of Mrs. Leticia Browningwell—wife of pastor Browningwell at Mother’s baptist church, and my teacher for several classes as a kid. Leticia was forced to teach Darwin’s theories in Junior High science class and she did everything possible to not do so. Her first attempt was to skip those chapters in the book, but Streaker Jones undid that effort. He produced a copy of the lesson plan, previously filed with Austin independent School District supervisors, that clearly showed a week’s worth of schooling on Darwin.

This happened the semester after Streaker Jones and I were expelled from Leticia’s Spanish class and sent to the AISD central offices for “evaluations”[.] That story is in my silly book, a handsome addition to any library and available over there ===}}}} to my Bloggie Roller. You can also see the book trailer and a flattering review.

OK, wait. the review flatters the book and not you. But me, I think you are the cat’s pajamas.

Actually, anybody who can read their way through 600 words of this crap is the pussy cat’s PJs to me. Which reminds me. Honor, my fucking cat, told the Squirt that she wants to be a mommy. Told the little puppy to tell me that she wants me to help her find a suitable suitor and arrange a tryst. It seems that listening to Rush Limbaugh and Rick Perry have sex in the closet has stirred her maternal instincts.

The noises made by my gay pig and his likewise homosexual ostrich lover as they grunt and shriek don’t stir anything in me besides an occasional, “Ick! Was that what I thought it was?” But it seems that the fucking cat gets turned on.

I will say this about Rush Limbaugh and Rick Perry as lovers. Those two boys are incredibly unabashed and unreserved with their lovemaking. Maybe uninhibited is a better word than unreserved. Compared to those two, the Marquis De Sade was unreserved and my ADHD is on fire. I’ve so many disparate thoughts spinning inside my thick skull I can hardly think.

I didn’t want one fucking cat in the first place, and I for certain don’t want a houseful of cats. I only have the one kitty because I wanted to avoid another stay at Shoal Creek Mental Hospital. You can read about the Loony Bin named Shoal Creek Mental Hospital in the book after you buy it. Now that I think about it, my book should be required reading for this bloggie. That way I wouldn’t need to take time to reference it as often as I do, and I’d not need to pimp it so much.

Which reminds me to tell you about my plans for easter. I’m actually going to church with Mother and Gram in the morning. That’s right, for the first time in decades I’m willingly—and willfully as well—attending a service at the baptist church. I’m wearing designer jeans with artfully pre- torn knees, a University of Texas burnt orange hoodie and sandals—all made of recycled hemp fabrics and other byproducts—and a tasteful knit polo shirt made of hemp as well.

The shirt is white to match the base color of my mother’s pretty sun dress, and the blood red printing matches the roses printed on Mother’s dress as well. The printing says, “Jesus was homosexual because he washed peoples’ feet.” My lesbian sister and her wife both have foot fetishes, so my baptist Mother thinks all people who share the same interest in feet are likewise, gay.

Maybe I should go barefoot to honor jesus for choosing to follow his heart and show his love for all men. Now that I think about it, the shirt might should have said jesus was bisexual. He washed womens’ feet as well.

The hoodie is in honor of Trevon Martin and in defiance of any right-wing shithead who thinks that child’s murder was justified by a clothing choice. And by the way—Fuck You, Geraldo Rivera, you chickenshit asswipe goat-fucking turd ball.

As for the pope’s second stupid speech, screw it. I’m going fishing. Manana, y’all.

 

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7 Responses to “pope Still A Prick And Geraldo Rivera Is A Dick; easter Wishes From Austin, Texas”

  1. Amos Keeter says:

    You know, Moondog, yer supposed ta wear a red rose bud boutonniere in honor of yer momma, cause she’s still with us, doncha know … and I reckon she’s a’wearin’ a red ‘ern, too, in honor of Gram. Hope ol’ rev Browningwell built a sturdy place fer their wership services … ‘specially since yer visititin’ there … and good onya! fer goin’ witcher momma to it! Sounds like you’ll be dressed appropriately for the visit. Happy to hear all is still normal between Rush and little Ricky and that they’s still deeply in lust of one another. Maybe one of ’em needs to learn how to cook, though, considerin’ that old adage about “Kissin’ and Cookin'”, know whut I mean?.
    Ya can’t hardly blame Honor fer wantin’ to procreate, what with all them fornicatin’ sound effects a’goin on alla time … and ‘specially this time of year … ’cause it’s Springtime! Bird has done laid two eggs and is still kindly ‘saggy’ back toward her rear end … and it’s startin’ to look a little ‘poochy’ too … like maybe they’s a thirdun up in ‘ar gettin’ ready to pop out. I don’t THINK they’s fertile … but we DO have this asshole Mockingbird that visits Peach when she’s outside in the small cage and I can just picture her a’pushin’ her womanhood … I mean … her BIRDhood against the bars of that cage to … uhh … facilitate the consummation, so to speak. She’s a’sittin’ on ’em eggs too! Well, when she ain’t a’sittin’ atop Mt. Ms. Baby, doncha know. Ms. Baby SAID she was gonna take them two little eggs, color ’em up with sharpies, and stick ’em back under Bird’s undercarriage for easter but she ain’t done it yet.
    Speakin’ of Honor … I been over to the Kompownd in the Piney Wood for the last weeker’so and my Momma and Daddy has done been adopted by a fuckin’ cat! It stays under their shed to avoid my Momma and Daddy’s cat hatin’ Boykin Spaniel but comes up on the big back porch at night lookin’ fer sumpthin’ ta eat, and my Daddy’s started leavin’ that damn cat a bowl of supper each night. S’hard to believe, I gotta tell ya’. All my life a’growin’ up, we was DOG people and hated cats wers’ern a risin’. I reckon that’s what happens when you get old and feeble minded … I reckon. Loved this edition of Mooner Johnson … sorry I ain’t stopped by inna while and I plan to rectumfy that sitchyashun …. hope yinz have a happy easter, which is an ancient Pagan springtime tradition that the godfolk added to their rulez to keep the Pagans in line. My understandin’ is that they nailed jesus onna cross, stuck him inna cave right behind that, and three days later … when jesus rolled that big rock away? he saw his own shadow … so he ran back inside and they had six more weeks of winter. Butcha’ never kin tell about that kinda stuff so you know I don’t know ….
    like a bruther, Bruther …..

  2. Q says:

    That rant about the cat cracked me up. I’m not sure why this is the week half of the country fills the pews of the churches. I guess the rebirth of Jesus is celebrated more than the death. As for the contents of the Bible, I really think that so-called Christians take things in it too literally. You can’t use a 2,000 year old book to justify everything you do today. Sure, the basics from the Ten Commandments seem to translate for the most part, but the other stuff needs to be interpreted differently.

    People pick and choose the parts of the Bible they want to believe. A woman may believe that all gays are evil, but not believed that she should be stoned for cheating on her husband. Can’t have it both ways! LOL! If you hate gays, then if you cheat… brick to the head!

    I consider myself a Christian, but I can’t stand Hypo-Christians.

  3. and you chose to go fishing…

  4. admin says:

    Amos Keeter? Bro… Holy shit, Beej, where do you get this shit? All I can find on ole Amos is that he died at Shoal Creek, but not my hospital. The bird waving her tiny hienie at a mockingbird is priceless and much akin to what the fucking cat has started–more later. More on my wisit to der churchengruder as welt. I didn’t know how to say “easter” in high German until yesterday.

    Your descprips of poor Tweetie’s saggy ass are hilarious. While I didn’t study her up close, I’d guess anything smaller than a BB would be monumental for that little girl.

    BTW, I’m learning precisely how a strong magnet can effect the encriptions on compact discs.

    Q. My theory re: easter is that all the true believers in the loving god come to celebrate what should be the holiest day of their calendar and the rest come out of guilt. If you’re baptist, you can tell a true believer from a shitball by watching them sing “The Old Rugged Cross”[.] Pretenders need a hymnal to grab the words.

    Modern American christians are arch-hypocrites as a political force and the saddest thing about my country.

    Lassie. How nice of you to visit. Mayhaps you think I skipped church to fish, an erroneous conclusion. More on that subject should follow later today. We went fishing as opposed to my addressing the silly pope’s second speech wherein he told jobless people to find solace by thinking about jesus nailed high on his cross. Come on back, and anytime at that.

  5. Amos Keeter says:

    I didn’t know there was a REAL Amos Keeter! Ga-RATE Goodness! Amos Keeter = A mosquito! Can you imagine going through life with the name … Lester Amos Keeter? (http://familytreemaker.genealogy.com/users/m/o/r/Becky-Morrow/WEBSITE-0001/UHP-0112.html) Naturally he’s from Texas. Reminds me of a shave tail LT I had “over THERE” named Richard Head. Some people shouldn’t be allowed to have children … or NAME ’em anyhoo ….. and sorry for the faux pas concerning yer Mother’s corsage color. I remembered what happened to your Mother’s Mother ( another disturbing fact that’s in the book, folks … look for the link TO BUY IT in the blog roller to the right on the main page at Moonerjohnson.com) and that Gram is Chigger’s Mother, but only AFTER I clicked the ‘submit comment’ button. So I’m guessing she wore a white rose instead, huh?

  6. Father-of-the-Year Nominee, Mooner Johnson says:

    Skeeterman. Thanks for the book plug. I’m not up on the corsage dealio, but Mother wore a single white rose to church.

    I hope you had a nice weekend. It’s now Tuesday at about 2 in the afternoon and it’s 90 fucking degrees. On April 10th, for shitsakes.

  7. gorucu home says:

    gorucu home…

    […]pope Still A Prick And Geraldo Rivera Is A Dick; easter Wishes From Austin, Texas « Mooner Johnson[…]…

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