A Letter From A Fan; Not A Prick Perry Story

 

So. I wish I was gay. Wait, I wish I were gay. Crap, but that “was/were/is/are” dealie always messes me up. Let me try again.

I want to be gay, but I’m not. Maybe if I didn’t like women so much I could be gay.

“Why,” you might ask, “do you want to be gay, Mr. Johnson?”

“Because, silly, I’d be a better man,” my frank and well though-out answer.

I know that many of you think I want to be gay because I’m not a good christian man and the only christian men who are not good christian men are either gay, or near-gay. At least that’s what pastor Browningwell told Mother in her most recent religious counseling session. “Any christian man who supports hom-sex-u-als is a homo-sex-u-al, or very near one,” was the god pastor’s words.

And that reminds me to remind you of something. Unless and until the modern American christians pull their heads out of their asses and start treating all people as equal humans, I will refuse to capitalize their associate names. Until they can embrace all people with fully open arms, they will be the baptists, catholics and mormons, it will be christians, and pastor and the pope and such.

I was over to Brandini’s place at Lost in Idaho and he posted this dealie about Klouchbag, this rating site for a blog’s douchbagginess. I scored a 53 to Brandini’s 50 and it was remarked that I don’t capitalize enough.

Too fucking bad.

As long as those christian assholes keep marginalizing humans for their ideas and personal preferences, I’ll marginalize them. Small hearts and minds—small letters.

I don’t usually print Emails from readers because I assume you would write a comment if you wanted me to share your thoughts, but use Email to make expressions between the two of us. I’m violating that trust here because the writer of the following Email said that they assumed I would publish it, and I accept that as tacit approval of my publishing it hereinafter.

Don’t you love the word “hereinafter”[?] What an expressive gem. It’s much akin to the word “fuck” and another of my favies. The following has not been altered in any way except that I reformatted and italicized the original layout to fit my bloggie site. I left the capital letters where they stood. Anyway, before my ADHD takes control of the bus, I give you one reason to be gay:

 

Dear Mr. Johnson,

 

You are a creep and a very sick man. The things you say are dead to God. Gay people are the pawns of the DEVIL they will burn in Hell at your side. READ THE BIBLE. It tells you to scorn homosexuals and stone them from your Temples. Any man who promotes evil is EVIL. You are EVIL. I will pray for God to strike you down and make your flesh burn while your still alive. I hope God burns all of your kind in Jesus name. Jesus hates fags and died on the cross so we can go to HEAVEN and never have to see any fags. You like anis sex Mr Johnson? I hope HELL is the DEVIL ramming his pitchfork in your nasty anis. People like you need to be in HELL. Your sister too and you need to bow down at your mothers feet and kiss them. A good Christian woman doesnt deserve a son like YOU. Change your ways before its too late. I hope you print this so more good people will come and shame you.

 

In GODS NAME,

A child of JESUS

 

Uh, what do I say to that? Thanks for your prayers?

While A child of JESUS seems to lack good prose, he/she has no problem communicating that they do not approve of me. I do like the creativity in both the death and afterlife scenarios. Burning alive would be awful and perpetual ass rape with a pitchfork would be one definition of hell. Maybe more of that type will speak out. I find it comforting to know where they reside, as in this case, Houston, Texas.

I was going to tell you about a chance encounter I had Friday night with the one, the only, Governor of Texas and namesake of my gay ostrich—Little Ricky Perry. You likely won’t believe me when I tell the story but there are photographs. But not photos in my possession. I’m working on the pics and thinking of how to approach the discussion of Friday’s events. Either way, you are in for a treat.

Just think the lyrics to Babs Streisand’s song He Touched Me. Seriously.

Manana, y’all.

 

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7 Responses to “A Letter From A Fan; Not A Prick Perry Story”

  1. Squatlo says:

    You sure can find ’em, Mooner. How the fuck did Ted Nugent get your email address?

    Pretty sure this didn’t have anything to do with your recent Pope rant. Sounds more “local”. Is that crude to say?
    The reason I say that, is because your average Catholic nutcase can fathom contractions, and this Troglodyte is obviously baffled by the whole “YOU’RE” “YOUR” thing. Makes me think rural conservative fundamentalist evangelical, IF I HAD TO FUCKING GUESS.

    Anyone who takes that much time to come up with a pitchfork handle rape scene has some issues that don’t fit in his current closet.

    Dear Anonymous: in the interest of public safety, please don’t get on this ride unless you’re THIS tall. Thanks.

    Hey, Mooner, pass me a cold Carta Blanca next time you’re up…!

  2. Father-of-the-Year Nominee, Mooner Johnson says:

    Squat. OK, first, I agree and this doesn’t sound like a catholic rant at me. But what makes you think they spoke of the pitchfork handle?

    Here’s your beer.

  3. Squatlo says:

    Shit, now that you mention it (and I’ve had a chance to burp) he didn’t mention a “handle”. Just thought the handle made more sense than the tined end, I guess.

    Regardless, this guy’s a real pearl. Trolls come and go, but this one’s special.

    child of jebus special.

  4. chrisinphx says:

    Well, now that right there is some serious christian “love”
    There have been several articles lately showing that homophobs are just repressed self hating closet cases. This could be a fantastic opportunity for Rush and Ricky to start there own “out of the closet and loving yourself” workshops! Just think of all the repressed bible beaters out there that Rick and Rush could council and show the path to self love. Or Rush could just throw em each a nice long hate fuck.

  5. admin says:

    Squat. This one is an original and sadly Texas bred. Unless he migrated from North Carolina.

    Chris. You raise several interesting ideas. I’m always looking for new business opportunities. I’ll pay you a commission if this pans out.

  6. Katy Anders says:

    “Thank you for your prayers” is about all you CAN say.

    Better fire and brimstone than the Prosperity Gospel, though. I mean, those folks are just crazy.

  7. admin says:

    Katy. Sadly our letter writing fan is from down your way–had a Houston Inet address. Maybe we can be cellmates in hell and burn together.

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