Slaves, Stonings and Stupidity; America’s Modern christianity At Its Best


So. It’s been an interesting several days. First we got word that a Federal District Judge has ruled that the State of Texas cannot de-fund Planned Parenthood. As fits Planned P’s purpose, the Judge ruled that there are no reasonable alternative choices to Texas women for the affordable reproductive services offered by PP. Of course our Attorney General, Herr Field Marshall Greg Abbott, has already declared that he will appeal this ruling.

“How dare the Federal Government try to protect women from our right-wing christian idiocy,” Herr FM Abbott said from his wheelchair on the steps of the Federal Courthouse.

“I went to war for America and lost the use of my legs so that I can help Governor Perry enforce christian law sharia. Making our women bow to the teachings of the bible is my primary function.”

Actually, Abbott didn’t say that, rather I have provided a decoded translation for you. The “I went to war for America” part is also a lie as told by many of his supporters. I think many Texas right-wingers are a bit embarrassed that Abbott isn’t a war hero. Herr FM Abbott was actually injured in a freakish jogging accident when he was hit by a tree.

He’s said to be a fine man, but he’s just another asshole who thinks he has the right to enforce his religious beliefs on the rest of us. Me, I think the boy might be a touch bitter about that entire “rabid tree attacks 26-year old runner confining him to a wheelchair for life” dealie. I have a heart full of sympathy and empathy for his malady.

Unless he did something to piss off the tree.

Then, Squatlo posted part of a speech Dan Savage made to young journalists yesterday. It was Squattie’s second-from-the-top post last time I looked. Savage made the most sense you will ever hear as to the debate about homosexuality and the bible. Please go over to Squatlo Rant and watch the couple minutes of video. I have been baiting christians to supply the specific bible scriptures they use to condemn homosexuality so that I can lambaste them with the truth. There are actually none—not a single fucking biblical passage says “don’t be gay” or in any way says that sucking a man’s dick is wrong. Or that muff diving is biblically illegal.

There’s something about gay prostitution, but that’s it.

However, Dan Savage spotted the christians a twisted interpretation and granted that the bible says homosexuality is against said good book. He then pointed out that the bible allows, endorses and even encourages human slavery. Hell, it even tells you when you can have sex with your slaves and tells the slaves how to behave. It even gives slave owners the right to hold hostage the wife and kids of a to-be-freed slave. That slave must choose freedom alone or agree to a lifetime as slave to his master to remain married and with his family.

The bible, dear christians, also mandates that you stone to death new brides who are not virgins. Your precious bible demands that the offending not-a-virgin bride be dragged to her father’s front stoop where the entire neighborhood must stone her to death. This isn’t optional equipment, folks, it’s a fucking mandate. I’ve always thought this a silly biblical rule for modern times and I’ve been quite fearful that today’s republican assholes would start making laws to enforce it. Stupid asshole republican lawmakers have already started turning us into slaves.

How far down the road from jamming a 2-foot electronic dildo up a woman’s vagina is stoning your slaves?

In the video, you get to watch a few pissy, pious and pompous teeny bopper assholes walk out of the speech. Survey says that more than half of them have already had sex, so maybe they are headed to their daddy’s front stoops. I doubt, however, that these young christians interpret their bible any more fairly than their leaders.

Classic speech from a classy man. To quote Squatlo, “Dan Savage is my hero!”

Oh, Rick Perry’s wedding dress came in and it is beautiful. I swear to god he looks like Liberace. Remember when Liberace did that special for TV and he’s dressed all in white splendor? Put a beak and giant silicone titties on the flamboyant pianist and you’ve got my big bird bride in his wedding dress. Same bedroom eyes as well.

The whole family was at breakfast this morning and I had him come to the kitchen to show everyone how he looks all dressed up for the alter. I had him wear everything except the head dress or crown, or whateverthefuck it is you call that silly hat thingie. The big ostrich strutted into the room like a peacock, kicking the long train of the dress left, then right, as he sashayed around the breakfast table.

We were having International Flat Food Day this morning and breakfast featured Belgian waffles, crepes, blintzes, mid-Eastern stuff with filo (philo?) dough and flat Polish pirogi. Maybe the pirogi are Russian, but who really gives a shit anyway? I mean except the Russians. Have you ever noticed how sensitive Russian people can be about silly shit?

You’d think a person would develop really thick skin living in the harsh conditions over there. But Russians are the most easily offended on earth except for right-wing christian assholes.

Anyway, Ricky is strutting around the table and Mother is ignoring the parade. She has her head hidden with the morning paper when she gets to the Herr Field Marshall Abbott story and slaps the paper to her lap. “Oh why must those liberal Federal Judges ruin everything. They have no right to tell us what to do.”

I swallowed a bite of berry-filled crepe and told her, “Oh yea, baby, that’s turned into the single most important job Federal Judges have anymore—protecting us from you assholes. Go Federal Justice system!”

“Don’t you dare call your mother an asshooo…” Mother started, then, “what… is that? You cannot allow that dumb bird to wear white, Mooner. I’ll not allow it!”

My mother eyed the table seeking support for her silly proclamation. Finding none, Mother said to Gram, she said, “Gram, tell Mooner this isn’t right. You have to be a virgin to marry in white. And after the horrid, tawdry display at this very breakfast table last week… Well, I never!”

I’ll remind you that when we unveiled Rick Perry’s new set of surgically altered titties, Rush Limbaugh lost control of himself and dry mated the ostrich right at Mother’s feet.

Gram swallowed whatever it was she’d most recently stuffed in her mouth, placed her fork carefully onto the tabletop and said, “Is that so? Seems I ‘member that you was wearin’ white at yer weddin’, er am I wrong about that?”

Mother’s face flushed with what I recognized as embarrassment, but she sat silent and hid again behind the paper.

“We all knowed ya banged Junior Spellman, Mother, an’ more ‘an once. Only reason Chigger started ta datin’ ya was acuze Junior braggerated ’bout yer handie jobbers. So shut yer yapper an pass me tha butter.” With that, Gram held an expectant hand Mother’s way for butter dish. I always put three full sticks of butter on the table when we have a Flat Food Day. I can never get enough butter on a waffle.

I waited for things to calm—just a half-minute I’d say—and I struck.

“Oh, my god! Are you telling me that my mother wasn’t a virgin when she married Daddy? Am I a bastard as well as a crazy redneck fuckbrain?”

I winked at Gram and stared at Mother, face still hidden by newsprint. “Mo-ther, you got some splainin to doooooo. How can I ever face my friends and family ever again? My mother was a harlot and I’m a bastard—oh woe is me.”

The table of Johnsons and Johnson family honorees all tittered and giggled save Mother, who continued to hide behind the Metro Section.

When the tittering subdued, Mr. Dave, a gentleman and giant-peckered Lothario who has never before shown a sense of humor, cleared his throat to get our attentions and said in his robust baritone, “Is it too late to have her stoned on the front stoop?”

“Indeed,” I provided the second to a quite sensible motion.

Manana, y’all.

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7 Responses to “Slaves, Stonings and Stupidity; America’s Modern christianity At Its Best”

  1. chrisinphx says:

    Nothing better than to see some religious assbag stewing in their own juices when their hypocrisy is revealed.
    Big props to Mother for not immediately crucifying herself right there on the breakfast table for added effect.

  2. Father-of-the-Year Nominee, Mooner Johnson says:

    Chris. You are quite right. I guess when you add the total sum of Mother’s martyred cuts, her death on a cross could be assumed. Daddy used to ask her if he could get her a cross in a Size-8 Petite, her size at the time of his untimely death.

    What the fuck is a Size-8 Petite anyway? Mother is a trim woman, but petite?

  3. mel says:

    Alas, I can not watch the video at the moment, as I am at work and probably shouldn’t be viewing your blog from here anyway. I will check it out later.

    And, its called a veil.

    Also, let dear mother know that it is perfectly acceptable to wear white and not be a virgin – women on their second and third marriages are doing it. And total whores. Its cool.

    What a breakfast that must have been.

    And petite just means short. There are size 16 and up petites. I know because my aunt who is by no means a thin woman (she has tree stumps for legs – I don’t think she has seen one of her ankles in 40 years) is petite. Because she is practically a dwarf.

  4. Granny Ook says:

    Mooner- “International Flat Food Day?”- I love it. Whatever else it is, breakfast at Mooner’s is never boring. (Tho I’d be nervous with all those sharp objects around.)

    To completely go off-topic, have you ever read any of Spider Robinson’s books? His imagination is almost as weird as yours, hard as that may be to believe. One of my favorites is “Calahan’s Lady,” which is set in an alien-ish bordello, where many unlikely events occur. I think you’d like it.

    Anyway, carry on. Where do Rush and Rick plan to honeymoon?

  5. Father-of-the-Year Nominee, Mooner Johnson says:

    Mel. A veil–that’s it! And I agree with you, just like stoning disobedient women, the white dress dealie is out-of-date. And thanks for the short = petite. Mother hits 5′ 5″ and was considered average in her day.

    Granny. Haven’t read Spider Robinson but will and soon. As my own home doesn’t disresemble an alien bordello…

    The pig and giant bird asked for Hawaii, but have you priced the cost of pressurized air freight for 1,000 pounds to the islands lately? HFS!

    Their honeymoon destination is less important that the accomidations. Never could spell that word.

    Takes special bedding to hold the two-tons-per-square-inch pressure resulting from their lovemaking.

  6. Fatima says:

    I never get breakfast in bed on Mother’s Day etheir…but who can get that done before getting 6 kids ready for Bible Study?? And my hubby has to preach. He in my opinion, gets a free pass. He did watch them so I could buy my dresses today! 🙂 Happy Mother’s Day!

  7. Svetlana says:

    That’s an apt answer to an inenetstirg question

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