Dissociated Press/Dateline: June 22, 2012- Austin, Texas USA:
Central Texas was stunned today to learn that Rush Limbaugh and Rick Perry have finally married. The on-again/off-again Austin, Texas couple have had a fiery and tumultuous courtship that was solidified in a private ceremony held on the lakeside dock at the Johnson Family Ranch Thursday night.
“It was a bitch pulling this off,” said adopted Father of the Bride and Groom, Butcher Einstein “Mooner” Johnson. “Some fucking right-wing conservative Christian fuckball attempted to shit all over this happy occasion with an Internet webcast inviting the entire fucking world to the wedding reception. If it weren’t for Katy over to Lesbians in my Soup we’d have been way up shit creek.”
The ostrich Rick Perry was resplendent in a white organza dress by Vera Wang and was met at the alter by his groom, Rush Limbaugh the pig, wearing an evening suit by little known German designer, Speck Schinkenknocker. This wedding has long been anticipated by Central Texas high society and the sudden announcement has left many disappointed.
“Mooner Johnson is an atheistic heretic,” said Mrs. Leticia Browningwell, wife of Pastor Josiah Browningwell. “He allowed those two homosexuals to marry and he didn’t invite a single respectable person in town.”
When asked to comment on not having any respectable locals in attendance, Mr. Johnson responded with, “Fuck you.”
The bride was attended by Gram Johnson, Squirt Johnson, Hilda Johnson, Sister Johnson and her wife Anna Johnson-Johnson-Johnson, and Honor the fucking cat. Rush Limbaugh was unattended at the alter. Inquiries revealed that Mooner Johnson could find no willing participants on the gay hog’s behalf. “Rush Limbaugh is a ignurnt fucking pig,” said Gram Johnson when asked. “He’s lucky I ain’t shot his smelly ass an’ had Mooner smoke it.”
Invitees were limited to close family only, which did not include Mother Johnson. “I apologize to all of my friends for first, not inviting you to this little soirée. I know you all wanted to come but after that webcast I couldn’t chance a big party. Second, I have to say that I have been AWOL from the webber and bloggie with all the crap I needed to do for the wedding. I’ll be back soon.”
After a brief honeymoon in Costa Rica, the newlyweds will reside in Mooner Johnson’s recently remodeled closet. Gifts will be accepted in the form of donations to the President Obama reelection campaign in the name of “Rick Perry and Rush Limbaugh’s gay marriage.”