Get Your Finger Out My Ass; Ace Hardware And Anal Glands

So.  I find myself awake before the crack of dawn this morning and writing to you.  If it weren’t for the Squirt’s infected, impacted anal glands, I couldn’t be happier.  I managed to vent my spleen yesterday of the toxic steam built up re: asshole right-wing Christian conservative politics, realized that I’ve gone three weeks with the psycho theraporizing of the good Dr. Sam I. Am-Johnson, and I left the animals here to la casita last night and went to the casino to play poker.

I played in a little tournament–my first poker since I’ve been here–and won.  I managed to focus my ADHD swirling swill of conflicting brainwaves for four solid hours.  I played smart poker and only made one small misstep in all of that time.

Wait a fucking minute.  How does Sheldon Adelson fit within the finely-framed boundaries of the right-wing Christian boy’s club.  Sure he’s a billionaire, and of course his vast business empire was built on bribes and other questionable business practices.  But he’s a Jew for Christsakes.

Wasn’t it the Jews who murdered our beloved Jesus?

OK, wait another minute.  Mitt Romney isn’t REALLY a Christian either.  Right?  I mean, how are these assholes deciding how to inflict their intemperance?  I guess since Adelson is giving $70 million to arch conservative Presidential campaigns, and Herr Schmidt Rommel is willing to say anything they want him to say, the rules can be bent just a touch.

Which reminds me.  Question:  What do the Chinese call a bribe in America?

Answer:  A political contribution.

This Adelson character, he’s the guy who paid Tom “Dancing Shoes” De Lay to kill a bill in the US Congress that condemned the Chinese for human rights violations.  Shelly–his buds call him Shelly–  was planning a massive gambling empire in the Tong gangs ruled area of Macau, China.  Like Hong Kong, Macau is the other “special administrative region” of China.

Basically, a special administrative region is where the Chinese Communist Party elite are allowed to practice the free market capitalistic game called “Highest Briber Get’s The Prize”.  Sheldon Adelson was the highest briber in Macau.

Does anybody give a shit about that?

Not Squirt.  My adorable little puppy is suffering from what I can now say is chronic ass pain caused by her malfunctioning anal glands.  I express them for her whenever she asks me to and sometimes when she doesn’t ask. She bitches at me for doing it but is grateful for the at least temporary relief.  I keep telling her that it gives us a time to bond and she says I’m a pervert.

But they have gotten quite painful for her, and as she said to me last night when she caught site of her backside in the mirror, she said  “Holy shit.  I’ve got baboon ass!”

Then there is my embarrassment when she drags her ass down the isles of Ace Hardware, back feet poking skyward and leaving a squiggly line on the floor where her swollen butt wipes the dust off the floor.  It is extremely difficult to use your adorable little brown puppy to attract the attentions of attractive women when said adorable puppy is leaving squiggly skid marks all over the fucking place.

Rather than the typical, “Oh, what an adorable little doggie you have,” the most typical female response to my ass-dragger is, “Eeew, that’s nasty.”

Have you guys ever smelled the swill that comes out of an impacted anal gland?  If I had the time, I’d invent a crowd dispersal device using vaporized impacted anal gland juice.

Who needs tear gas?  We’d call it “Gak, Puke, Run and Burn Your Clothes When You Get Home” gas.  You’d take the fight out of any crowd with a canister of this shit.  We’d need to invent new gas masks and protective suits for the cops as well.   We could all be rich.  We’d donate all the profits to Planned Parenthood.

We were over to the Ace Hardware yesterday to get some caulk and a wire brush.  The dogs love to go there with me.  Yoda loves to go because they keep a popcorn machine loaded with just-popped corn.  He sits beside the machine and does tricks for each patron who stops to get a bag.  Maybe I should ask my vet how much popcorn is too much popcorn.

My precious little Squirt likes the Ace Hardware for quite a different reason.  The floors at this Ace are older square tiles.  From the wear patterns over the years, the seams at the butt joints of the tiles have slightly separated leaving small ridges every twelve inches.  She drags her smelly ass across the old tile floor and says, “Oooh,” and, “Ahhh,” when her little butt rubes over a ridge.

I told her I’d make her a sandpaper rug to rub her ass on.  She told me to go fuck myself.

Anyway, it’s Sunday and flagstone patio day once more.  I’m hoping to get finished by Wednesday with what I want to get done and we’ll drive back to Austin Thursday.  My two weeks trip stretched to a full month and I’m missing all the folks back to the ranch.

I even miss Mother, bless her little pea picking heart.  I just hope she remembers what I look like.

Manana, y’all.


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8 Responses to “Get Your Finger Out My Ass; Ace Hardware And Anal Glands”

  1. Squatlo says:

    Mooner, you need to buy an old scrubbing washboard for Squirt! In fact, if you found two or three of them in an antique salvage place you could fasten them together and give her an extended butt massager. It would be sort of the opposite of a “Slip n Slide”, just for impacted tushies. You could even give it a little spray from a can of “Pam” to make it less fur-removing… or you really will have baboon butt at the ranch…

    Leave the flagstone-ing to the flagstoners, and tune into the GOP convention, instead. It should be fun to watch them dragging every minority Republican in America up on stage to stand behind this multi-cultural display of diversity they’ll want voters to see in Tampa. Like the extras from a Spike Lee movie. Got color? C’mon up!

    And you really should get a patent on that puppy-version of pepper spray for crowd control. Might come in handy when you get back to Austin.

  2. Cynthianne says:

    Mooner, This was a funny post, but laughing aside. time to get your little poochie some medical attention if she’s got a weapons-grade infection.

    …Wait- you’re looking to pick up ladies at the Ace Hardware? …I don’t know how to break this to you…

    As for your mother recognizing you… if she doesn’t, maybe you can convince her that you are her long-lost, god-fearing, fundamentalist son come to visit. It would make her very happy…

  3. admin says:

    Squat. I’m thinking that I’ll give in and get her glands removed. She doesn’t want the surgery, says she’ll lose her scent.

    As for the Repubs, I’m glad I’m too busy to watch. I’ve got a great Rocky Mountain high and I don’t want to fuck with it.

    Cynthianne. OK, first, as I told Squat the little darling has rejected surgery to date. I feed her meds and slather RX cream on it twice a day. I’m thinking I’ll tell her we’re headed to a Willy Nelson concert and drop her off at the Clinic for the operation.

    As for my long-suffering and dementia-ed mother, I prefer convincing her that she’s a caring, loving liberal. I’ve decided I can get her to vote for President Obama.


  4. Mooner, you are my hero. I have neither the courage or the stomach to squeeze my Lexi doxie’s anal glands. And that little bitch scoots her ass around like nobody’s business. She just has to wait till we get to the vet. I tried it one time (with some gloved hands and a wad of paper towels) and she yelped – and I got a whiff of just a little bit of the vile material that gets expelled and that was the last time I tried it. There is seriously no other smell like it. Never a-fucking-gain!!!

    On a completely unrelated note, I didn’t know they allowed dogs at the Ace hardware store????

  5. admin says:

    Reck. Like I say, that anal gland juice is weapons-grade material. As for dogs in Ace Hardware, dogs are allowed just about anywhere here. Grocery store, furniture stores and even most restaurants allow leashed dogs inside. Squirt thinks it’s a trip and that Santa Fe is, “The coolest place around.”

  6. Q says:

    There’s no way I’d do this. Not with coal miners’ gloves and a $500 incentive. Well, I’m lying about the $500, but I just wanted to make a point. I first saw this on some Animal Planet show and I almost lost a lunch that I ate back in June 1983. I like Squatlo’s idea of a makeshift Slip-n-Slide.

    I’m still laughing at the title of this blog post.

  7. admin says:

    Q. I’ve been evacuating the Squirt’s anal glands for so long I’m thinking of applying for a job over to FEMA. But coal miner’s gloves would be counter-intuitive to working the secretions from a ten-pound bundle of puppy joy like my Squirt. I use surgeon’s latex, non-toxic vagi gel, an already damp towel, and a clothespin on my nose.

    I saw myself in the mirror this one time and it brought a memory of a Little Rascals episode.

    As for the title, “Titles” is my middle name and humor is my game.

  8. Dr. Sam I Am-Johnson says:


    It is clear from your frequent bloggings that you have obsessed about all things New Mexico. While I would typically consider that therapeutic progress, your less than natural fixations about my former dog’s anal glands is professionally unsettling. I am recommending that you find yourself in my office in Austin by 9:00 a.m. Friday morning. Should you choose to ignore this request, I have four words to say to you.

    Shoal Creek Psychiatric Hospital.

    Your loving ex-wife and psychotherapist,

    Sam IAJ

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