All Hail King Mooner; If I Only Had A Crown


So. I read over to BJ’s place at Dumb Perrignon that Ann Coulter has criticized the Democrats for dropping their support of blacks in favor of courting the Latinos. In Mz. C’s eyes, America’s black population and their issues have nothing to do with Civil Cights and our immigrants from the South are all about it.


Then at Squattie’s place over to Squatlo Rant I read about how Herr Field Marshall Schmidt Rommel had openly wondered why commercial airplane windows don’t open and suggested that the oversight might should be corrected.


I’m starting to feel a small sense of relief over the pending elections. I’m starting to feel that the tide has turned on our Nation’s recent nosedive into the swill and muck of extreme right-wing Christian idiocies and back towards the middle where I think our political climate belongs. And while I mixed my metaphors there, I did manage to state—with precision—my current sentiments.

And how confusing must that seem? I’m a liberal-thinking person with the social policies reported in some circles to mimic those of Jesus; I think our military should truly be orchestrated as a Department of Defense only; I think it takes a village to grow a billionaire and that some of the resulting wealth should be taxed and returned unfucking equally to pay for the infrastructures of said village; I think that physical and mental health services are a required product of any advanced civilization; I think that Jane Fonda is still sexy.

But I think our national political systems need to be fair and balanced—middle road bodies of compromised conclusions. While I know that my ways to do things are far better and fairer than those of differing views, I don’t think that my ways should be the only ways, and I don’t think that revolution is desirable when things are only damaged.

Like America. I think we’re damaged but not broken. I think that most of the folks with far-right thinking are misinformed but not evil. I think that for every Rove or Coulter or Bachmann there are thousands of confused citizens who simply are not connecting the dots in the big picture of our country. Likewise, not every liberal thinks we need to stage a revolution of our own.

If I were King and this not a democracy of sorts, I would impose my will on the rest of you, and you would like it. OK, you would like it for the most part. I would enforce equality in every aspect of society and I would share our Gross National Product with a fairness not before seen. I would arrange an accounting system that would judge the cost to produce wealth—the incremental expenses to pay for roads and schools and hospitals and Police and all the rest—and tax all income under that system.

It wouldn’t matter if you were a school teacher or an oil tycoon, a movie star or a $50,000 per year fireman. The infrastructures required to produce your income would have an allocation to your income source, and you would be taxed accordingly. The more you earn, the more infrastructure was used to support the growth of your wealth.

For starters, the first $40,000 of earned income would not be taxed at all. No federal tax, no how. That $40 grand is what it takes to enjoy a basic American lifestyle in most parts of the country and the only taxes allowed on that income would be state sales taxes. And, by the way, all income is earned income. Corporations earn income just as people and religions would be treated just like the businesses that they are.

The only non-profit organizations allowed to not pay taxes will be required to apply 85% of all monies collected to the actual need they serve. If they can’t administrate on 15%, they can kiss my ass. And you’d better not be wasting donated funds, shithead. I’ll send your carcass to jail. Break my new banking and investment laws and I’ll jail you as well. Matter of fact, if you bend or break financial rules for personal gain you, dear friend, will be treated as a murderer. While I’m on the subject, if you are a child molester you’d best consider repatriation.

I’d limit state sales taxes to 8%. With me returning much of the federal taxes collected back to the states, those governments will be able to pay for their services on 8%.

After the first forty thousand, your income will be charged a “Use Fee”. Use Fees reflect what it costs for you to make your money. A fireman will pay less than an oil company. Oh, and in my system corporations will be people as far as taxes go. An oil company will pay for the roads used up by trucks that provide the company services, and all the other affiliated costs required to support their enterprise. The company will pay taxes based on gross revenues, not net.

Fuck your net revenue bullshit. General Electric—watch your back, mother fucker—King Mooner is gunning for your ass!

And holy shit have I gotten ADHD waylaid. I wouldn’t want to be King if elected and I’d likely get sidetracked with my mental illness and fuck things all to Hell and back. I’d be meeting with my Secretary of Defense, BJ, and he’d have set up a demonstration of our new vaporizer weapon and I’d suggest we share a few tokes of weed before we lunch on some pulled pork sammies and Carta Blanca beer, and we’d forget the vaporizer dealie and it would over-charge and blow up somewhere over to Iowa where we kept it hidden in a silo.

I wonder how much of Iowa would need to get vaporized before we’d miss it?

Anyway, I think the mark of a true semi-democratic society is that it compromises its way through its evolution, and I also think that I have spent enough time on this subject. Nobody really gives a shit what I think. When we were sitting out on the portal last night after dinner, I was talking about how I think that the current bunch of far-right Christian assholes are, at least, somewhat fascist.

One-by-one my son, his lady, and then the dogs excused themselves to go inside to pee. When the Squirt excused herself, I told her that I had planted the cute little patch of fescue bluegrass so she could pee outside. In answer, she said to me, she said, “We’re not going to pee, dumbass, we’re playing Scrabble. You have managed to bore the ever-loving shit out of us all.”

Whatever, I made some cogent points. Manana, y’all.


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6 Responses to “All Hail King Mooner; If I Only Had A Crown”

  1. Squatlo says:

    While I’m in complete agreement with most of what you had to say, King Mooner, I might suggest you let someone else handle the numbers. If a charity has to spend 85% of its intake on charitable doings, that doesn’t leave them with 25% to administrate with. Or with which to administrate. I’m sure you know that, and this was just a careless oversight caused by rapid-fire synapses in conjunction with the heady thought of being in charge of the whole fucking place. For a benevolent King, you’d be as good as any we could hope for.
    ‘Cept for the math parts.

    And putting BJ in charge of the military might not be a good idea, either. I’ve seen him angry.

    Let Reckmonster handle the troops. She’d be loathe to send them into harm’s way without just cause, and even more attentive to their concerns upon return than any of us could ever hope to be.

    Put BJ in charge of national morale… institute a daily toke-em-up requirement for anyone who appears to have a religious stick up his/her ass, and make “massage” the new “jogging”. That would get these type A personalities off the sides of the roads and onto massage tables where we can keep an eye on them.

    King Mooner. I like that.

  2. admin says:

    Squat. OK, I corrected the obvious, oblivious mathmatics error and a grammatical one as well. I think I’ll keep BJ in charge of Defense and put the Reckster in charge of the entire hospital and wellness program. Knowing that BJ had his finger on the Vaporizer would cause any silly prick to think twice.

    I’d likely put you in charge of the Identifying and Reprogramming Assholes Agency. You’d need to watch A Clockwork Orange first. Mybe I’ll name Gram to head the Department of Attitude Adjustments.

    Oh, and Fire Sign Theater will be required listening in high school social studies classes.

  3. Squatlo says:

    WAIT! Can I be the Minister of Silly Walks, instead? I’ve been working on a particularly silly walk, and I think with the proper funding it could be developed into something quite silly!

  4. bj says:

    I’d Vote For You, Your Majesty! I Think Yer ADHD Affliction Would Be A PLUS Fer That Job! …. AND … I’d Faithfully Keep BOTH Kinds Of Vaporizers Cleaned, And At The READY! heh

  5. Mooner In Austin says:

    Beej. Ventilators and vaporizers cleaned, locked and loaded, Mr. Secretary. BTW, have you noticed how Squat always makes a joke out of serious shit?

  6. bj says:

    uh-huh …. but he can’t help it …… he has Pythonitis …. a sometimes not so funny affliction

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