Squirt Gets Cut; An Unfriendly Welcome Home


So. I’m back in Austin and now back on the Beat. I arrived in my part time home city last Thursday afternoon and had planned to write to you that very evening. But plans being plans, that idea was fucked from sometime approaching Noon CDT, Eleven am Mountain time last week.

Things were going grandly on the trip back until we got to Post, Texas—a small town south of Lubbock and 2/3rds of the total drive from Santa Fe to Austin. “Pull the car over to that Dairy Queen, Bwana Mooner, I need to use the bathroom,” Squirt told me.

When I started to say that this was the tenth time she’s needed a break, I only got to the “This is the tenth…” part when she barked at me and said, “Pull the car over NOW!!!”

I did, unhooked her from the leather harness that makes her safe at any speed, and then watched her leap from the partially open GTO door. For the ninth of her ten pit stops, Squirt squatted in the yoga posture called “Dog Takes A Shit” where she gritted her teeth and strained until her already buggy eyes nearly popped out of her skull. I left the car myself to stand at her side.

“This has gone way past Baboon ass, little lady. Your anal glands have become a liability to your health,” I told her. “You need to think about getting them taken out.”

“Fuck you, asshole. Why don’t you get your ass operated on first—then come talk to me.”

When I reminded her that it has been but a short two years since I did just that, she got a defeated look all over her face. “You’re right. Call the vet. Or shoot me—your choice.”

I called and made an appointment for early Friday am to get her operation and then spent all Thursday night placing and holding ice packs to my adorable puppy’s swollen bottom while listening to her constant chatter as to her fears of going under the knife.

“What if he slips and cuts my sphincter muscles and makes me incontinent? Then what will you do?”

“I’ll clean up after you just like I’m doing now,” I told her. “Have you seen the stains you’re leaving on everything that touches your ass?”

Anyway, she had her operation Friday and I picked her up early Saturday morning. She was still goofy from the drugs and I’ve never seen her any funnier. “I think I’d like to have sex with Yoda,” she slurred to me in the car when I asked her what she wanted to do when I got her home. “He’s so fucking ugly he’s got to be good in bed.”

“That was a terribly sexist remark, my little bundle of fur, and quite inappropriate given the circumstances surrounding today’s American political debate,” I advised. “Women are under attack by the Republican Party and we all need to be sensitive to our remarks.”

“Fuck you. I need a drink.”

How more blessed can a man be that to have this dog as his best friend?

Anyway, once she came down from her drugs the Squirt has been a miserable patient. She wants to be held by me for all the twenty-fours. So I’ve been quite tied up and unable to type until now, and now I’ve managed to negotiate only a thirty-minute span of time to say as much as I can. Then I must return to the couch to cradle my sad, sick puppy in my lap.

A thirty minutes that I have just been informed has passed. Manana, y’all.

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7 Responses to “Squirt Gets Cut; An Unfriendly Welcome Home”

  1. mel says:

    awwwww….poor Squirt! You take good care of her and give her some love from me!

  2. Squatlo says:

    Bless her little pooter… But maybe next time you’re in the hardware store trying to flirt she won’t be dry humping the tile.

    Hey, I heard a sports pundit predict your Longhornies for the title game at the end of the season. Any truth to this rumor of quality football being played in Austin this season? Inquiring minds wanna know…

  3. bj says:

    Ya needta look for one o them front hangin’ papoosy thingys that mommas is usin’ on their babies these days. Oh…. WAIT! You akcherly CARE ’bout yer lil bundle of joy, dontchy? Hugs and Kisses from Johnsonville!
    ps: I saw yer newly adopted state’s ex-governor on the toob the other night and remembered that HE (Bill Richardson) was my first choice for Presidink goin’ inta the 2008 primaries. Gotta Lotta RESPECT for that guy! Then ….. I ‘membered ya’lls all had a damn good’ern there to Texas when Ann Richards was yer Governor, too! I reckon it’s like Ian Anderson told me “Oh we won’t give in …. we’ll keep living in the past.”

  4. Mooner In Austin says:

    Mel. She’s loved for sure and has asked if you have a recipe for tuna that is tasty to eat but disappears from your system before needing to exit. Her rear end looks like a shrunken double-stitched baseball cover and causes her some serious bother.

    Squat. While my beloved football team will be far better than last year I find it overly optimistic to talk title. But dreams are the starch in college football’s mashed potatoes.

    Beej, Dude, LTNS. How’s it hanging? It’s a sad state when your ex-governors instill nostalgia for the good old days… Na na na-na Na Na. Aqua Lung!

  5. Squatlo says:

    “Wond’rin’ aloud how we feel today… “

  6. Mooner In Austin says:

    Squat. Better than yesterday, thanks. I slipped her a shot of Hornitos in her morning mush abd she’s sleeping for now. Me, I’m strung out worse than back when I did yellow jackets and black mollies to extend my study hours.

  7. mel says:

    Tuna water. That’ll do it.

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