Tough Questions Tackled; Mitt Romney Still A Prick


So. Here we all are in the middle of the year 2012—ten thousand years into our evolution as a civilization and our planet’s highest life form—and we don’t seem to have moved far beyond the tribal mentality from when we were all hunter-gatherers. We have once more regressed as a world to repeat the bigotry of Territoriality. America’s religiously-bigoted Christian shitheads are inciting those with Muslim-based bigotry and violence is the net results.

I think these incidents of zealots with opposite ideology are not unlike back to our cave dwelling days when Grog shit in Grunt’s campfire in an effort to get him to move to different hunting grounds, and Grunt stole Grog’s woman in retaliation. Then Grog gets really pissed and rolls a big rock off the cliff onto Grunt’s head, killing him.

Grog runs down the hill, cuts Grunt’s ears off with a flint stone ax, steals his stuff, grabs the wife and has a party back to his cave.

I think that the more we evolve as a species, the more we devolve back into our baser instincts.

And I also think that maybe I might be just a touch crazier than previously thought. I think I might be just as big a cuckoo bird as Joan ‘d Arc or Osama Bin Laden or Pat Robertson. I’m spending an inordinate amount of time speaking with God and I’m giving advice based upon those conversations. I guess the only thing that distinguishes me from each those nut cases is the simple fact that I’m not a nut. I’m telling the truth—God’s words from His lips to my my ears to your eyes.

I spent last evening watching news reports of the latest Mideast insanity while sipping Carta Blanca beer and sampling a selection of my Gram’s latest mushroom potions as we sat on the patio. My personal favorite, labeled in Gram’s sloppy handwriting as, “Don’t laugh at me, buster, I have spies,” was a soothing concoction designed to keep us from getting too happy at Mother’s vacating our premises.

Maybe I wasn’t sipping the beer and again, like I said before, maybe I’m slightly more than slightly nuts.

“Hey, shitball,” Gram said to me when the Rachel Maddow Show went to commercial break. “Ask yer buddy God about all a this crap. Maybe He can make headers from ass holies.”

I thought about it. “I’m not sure when we’ll be speaking again, I have no control over his visits,” I answered.

Then I wondered if you should say capital-W “We’ll” when the we part is you and God. See, me, I don’t understand why we don’t capitalize every fucking thing when we are speaking of the capital-G God. Maybe that’s the real reason we have a Caps Lock key on keypads.

And why, inthefuck, isn’t the Caps Lock key lettered in all caps? English is a confusing enough language without all of the contradictory rules and regulations. If we can’t spell shit phonetically we should be allowed to punctuate as it feels when we write.

Anyway, I told Gram that God visits at His will and not mine. Then she told me, she said, “Who gives a shit, Mooner, ask God to come an’ talk ta ya.”

I thought about that. “OK, but won’t that be like a prayer. Asking stuff from God—isn’t that what a prayer is?”

See me, I’m really unsettled about asking God for anything. I’m worried that even asking a question is dangerous—I think that the ultimate example of “Be careful what you ask for” would be to say a prayer. You know that joke where the guy asks God if he can have a pecker long enough to touch the floor and then the guys legs fell off?

Add to that unsteady logic the simple fact that—just like in physics—for every prayer you offer there is an equal and quite opposite prayer getting offered up to your, or some other God.

“Maybe that’s why the world is so fucked up,” I told Gram. “Maybe all of those Gods from the different religions are all trying to grant all of those conflicting prayers and making a mess of things.”

“Nah, too simple, Mooner. Ask tha big guy.”

“OK,” I said and closed my eyes tight. “Dear God, how about You come over for a little chat. There’s some craziness I’d like You to explain to me. Please don’t come if I won’t like Your answers. Amen.”

Hours-long story shortened for brevity’s sake, God came to see me last night. I was fast asleep when I was awakened by the sound of John Lennon’s voice singing Imagine. I love that song.

“Hey, God, how’s it hanging?” I asked him.

God stopped singing and transformed into M’hat’ma Gandhi. “I’m unwell, Mooner my man, things are not so hot with your world.”

We discussed the world situation for a bit before I said, “OK, answer me this if You will. Why are there so many religious zealots out there who are willing to kill for their faiths? Why is there so much hatred and distrust among the World’s greatest religions?”

“How about I answer you by making you one of those zealots? Close your eyes and I’ll make you a loony charismatic Christian for a few minutes.”

I shut my eyes and immediately felt a sense of personal calm and one of political agitation. The personal calm came from the absolute knowledge that my buddy God was THE God and that His promise that I would have everlasting life at his right hand in Heaven, and that my job on Earth was to promote those facts to others. I also felt that I had the right to enforce those beliefs onto others.

The political anger was for anything of contrary nature. I was so committed to my belief in my God that any other thoughts were unacceptable to me. I felt a hatred of those different. I felt a surge of desire to do something—any fucking thing—that would put down those with conflicting ideas from mine.

“Now I’m going to make you one of the men protesting at the US Embassy in Yemen,” God said, and I suddenly found myself dressed in a robe and throwing a rock.

I was angry to the boiling point and had the absolute knowledge that I had a few dozen virgins awaiting my arrival to Heaven’s gates. I felt, simply said, exactly the same as when my fanaticism was Christian based except for my perspectives. Suddenly I felt like meeting my virgins sooner rather than later, and I rushed the Embassy walls.

“Wake up, boy, come on. It’s not your time yet.” God said.

But I was anchored—right foot stuck in the cement of Mohammad’s Love and left leg knee deep in Hate’s quicksand.

“Wake up, dammit,” and God slapped my face. Hard.

“Ouch, Dude. That hurt.”

I was stunned from the slap and still punch drunk from the overpowering emotions of religious fervor.

“Powerful shit, no?”

“Is that really what it’s like?” I asked.

“Why would it be any other way? If you have absolute certainty about unsubstantiated theories… Well, how else could you think, act? There is no more egocentric or bigoted human position available. Your species’ ability to have absolute faith-based convictions is the root of your evils, sonny boy.”

I thought about that and God interrupted by saying, “And don’t even think that it’s only the lower-intellects who think these things. Some of your brightest are delusional, bigoted.”

“Why can’t those guys find it in their hearts to live and let live, Big Guy? Why must they hate each other?”

“It’s contra-intuitive. Impossible to have absolute certainty about one thing and not distrust/dislike opposing views. That’s also why those guys can be so easily manipulated.”


“It’s Your fault,” I told God, “I think this is all your fault.”

“Oh, please. Don’t be a shithead. I let you guys drive your own cars, Mooner, you’re the ones putting them into the ditch.”

And with that, He was gone.

Hard to hold much hope when the fact is so sobering—that bigotry’s very origins lie in our gathering in the comfort of like-thinkers—that by conjoining and solidifying our faiths we generate arch enemies.

Ugh and again. I had to ask.

See what I mean about prayer? Manana, y’all.


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6 Responses to “Tough Questions Tackled; Mitt Romney Still A Prick”

  1. Squatlo says:

    I don’t know what you think of the singer/songwriter John Mayer (in fact, I don’t think you’ve mentioned music in your blog more than once or twice, maybe you don’t think it’s important or don’t want to share?) BUT he’s got a song called “Belief” that has the following lines, “What puts a hundred thousand children in the sand… Belief can, Belief can….What puts a folded flag into a mother’s hands… Belief can, Belief can…”

    If we took a step back (maybe to Grog and Grunt’s cave daze) and somehow magically removed the fear gene that made their contemporaries look to the heavens with magic and superstition in mind instead of factual curiosity, we might not be dealing with so many “belief” based fucking problems in this world. Seriously, if we were somehow able to remove religion and superstition from the history of man, in what way would we be more corrupt, evil, manipulative, adulterous, warlike, or cruel than we currently are to one another?
    I contend we’d be LESS corrupt, evil, manipulative, adulterous, warlike, and cruel. But that’s just me.

    I could be wrong.

    I’m not, but I guess I could be.

  2. Mooner In Austin says:

    Squat. What took me 2,000 words to say has been condensed by you in brevity. I used to say that it isn’t your religion that bothers me, it’s you the practitioner.

    But it’s the religions themselves which have morphed into insanity as practitioners continue with the big lies.

    Yet I lay my head on the alter of College Football, as Jesus is a Longhorn fan. At least that’s what I hear.

  3. Squatlo says:

    Well, you’re the one with the direct hotline to the Big Guy, at least when he’s not telling Pat Robertson what to say, so maybe He is a Longhorner.

    Wait a minute, wouldn’t he be pulling for The Saints? Or the Cardinal? Or Vandy’s opponent this Saturday, Presbyterian University’s mighty Blue Hose. Swear to Jebus, that’s their nickname, the Blue Hose. Not Blue Hoes, like the women from the skanky part of Avatar, or Smurfette’s cousins from the trailer park… Blue Hose like Red Socks or White Socks… The mighty Blue Hose. Go Hose!

    But I digress… What were we talking about? If only there were some way to rewind time so I could remember…

    Now I remember. Jesus is a Longhorn fan. Maybe that explains the Lone Star State thing… didn’t three wise men and a virgin meet up under a lone star one time? But hey, that would definitely rule out Texas, wouldn’t it?

    Gotta go…

    Go Vols!

  4. T. St John W. says:

    Didn’t someone recently isolate the god gene when they were splitting some particles? They found it had been mutated and are currently blaming it on fracking. We also have an anti-god gene that was mutated years ago by fucking. This is why we see such an imbalance and the religions are not evolving.
    PS Chris Hitchens would have liked your thoughts. And using El Mundo as an educational tool is quite the canarie,s meow.

  5. T. St John W. says:

    Ps-s God is like art, a creative concept that has become a commodity, or a common oddity.
    Your most loving TSW

  6. Mooner In Austin says:

    TSW. I’m starting to find God an odd commodity and something akin to the Artful Dodger.

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