Semi Voter Fraud; Can You Smell It?


So. My New Mexico Voter Registration and driver’s license arrived in yesterday afternoon’s mail and I can’t be prouder. I have now officially divorced my most important allegiances from Rick Perry’s Texas and recast my political love in the Land of Enchantment. After opening the two separate envelopes, I made photo copies of the contents to file away.

When I placed the Voter ID copy into it’s file, I found the actual Texas Voter card and an Absentee Ballot that allows me to vote in this year’s Texas, Travis County and City of Austin elections. I pulled the ballot out of the file and showed it to the dogs.

“Let’s fill it out and send it in,” said the Squirt with obvious glee. “Let’s commit some actual voter fraud.”

“That would be fun,” I answered the adorable little lump of brown fur and sharp humor, “but I find I can’t even force myself to do it. I’m a one man-one vote guy.”

When the Texas ballot was delivered by US Mail—forwarded to Santa Fe within a week after getting posted to my Austin, Texas address—I spent an hour musing that I could have a final “Fuck Rick Perry” moment as a Texas voter.

I also spent time wondering how we Americans could ever consider privatizing the US Postal Service. To me, the dismantling of USPS is symptomatic of the evil forces ruining our country. They place unrealistic burdens on it and then bitch when stupid goals aren’t met.

“Tenemos que acer algo, Mooner,” Squirt begged, “this is your last chance to make a statement in Texas.”

“You’re right, little lady, we need to do something.”

After dinner, a few Carta Blanca beers and several visits with a match and rope, the three of us “cast” a 2012 Absentee Ballot for the State of Texas, Travis County- Austin. With a fat red Sharpie pen I marked “Not a real ballot: Mooner Johnson says Fuck Rick Perry!!!” across the top of the first page. Then we made snarky comments throughout the ballot—laughing and giggling our way through its multiple pages.

The Squirt got really silly and grabbed the ballot in her sharp-toothed mouth, shook it until it shredded. When she spit it out she said, “Take that, Prick Perry!”

After we stopped laughing at that one, Yoda and I took the ballot to the grass and added our signature statements, and we all laughed until breathless.

Before sitting to write this, I placed the “Not a real ballot” in a plastic sleeve, addressed a manila envelope and glued $2.40 postage to the upper right corner, loaded the dogs into the car and went to the Post Office. When we got there I pulled to the big blue boxes outside and told the Squirt, “Here you go, you little shitbird, this was your idea—you take the honors.”

Squirt grabbed the envelope in her mouth and climbed into my lap to get to the window, stretched her neck out and dropped it in. The three of us laughed some more then wee-wee-wee’d all the way home.

“Federal Express would have charged ten bucks for that package, kids, and the US Postal Service sent it for less than $3.00. Why in the world would anybody want to kill that kind of service?”

Why, indeed.

Speaking of honors, I haven’t seen the fucking cat since Tuesday afternoon when she was rubbing around Gram and P-cubed’s limo driver’s legs. I fear that Honor might have snuck into the big stretch Hummer and gone on what is now a two-day excursion of depravities.

And speaking of depravities, I wonder if it’s a crime to mail a shredded, dog and human urine-soaked absentee ballot in the US Mails.

Manana, y’all.

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2 Responses to “Semi Voter Fraud; Can You Smell It?”

  1. Squatlo says:

    What fun! I don’t know if I could have resisted the opportunity to cast a ballot in Texas despite being in Santa Fe, though. Surely you have dual residency at this early stage of your metamorposis??? Being a Longhorn fan from birth to the dirt ought to give you that right…

    Of course, now you’re immersing yourself in New Mexican politics, so you’ll have some “Fuck This Guy” mantra involving your new state’s assholes sooner or later. They’re everywhere, you know. We just have more of them here in Tennessee than you do in New Mexico. Texas, on the other hand, really is special. Any state that can boast Phil Graham, Louie Gomert, Rick Perry, and at least a dozen other shitheads of note is special on a scale we can’t even imagine. Everything’s bigger in Texas, including the list of creeps you wouldn’t invite over for a barbecue.

    If you get bored there in Enchanting Land, come see us in the ‘Boro. I’m about primed for a pork overdose…

  2. admin says:

    Squat. Pissing on a Texas ballot is a joyous event under any state of influence, or state’s influences as well. While my personal urea has a plesant aroma that reminds me of sunshine and lollipops and rainbows, goat dog piss is, simply said, a sniff of something altogether disgusting. After brining in its plastic sleeve for the two days required of its delivery, my guess would be, “The Capitol Security SWAT TEAM Haz-Mat Department was called to the Secretary of State’s offices early this afternoon to inspect a suspicious package….”

    Bored with Santa Fe? But I do miss all of that Smoky Mountain pork.

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