So. Today is one of those days when I have both doubted my own sanity and discovered ways to reinforce that thinking. For those of you who might think that use of the word “both” in that prior sentence was a redundancy, as Redundancy is my middle name I think no additional explanations are required—unless, of course, you have no fucking idea of what it is I have just said.
Other than to say that most folks—those among us NOT suffering from the dreaded ADHD—don’t need more than one instance of insanity to question their grasp of realities, while we ADHD’ers often require multiple instances of lunacy to provoke our questioning.
As crazy as those first two paragraphs might seem, careful examinations should produce lucidity.
For starters, I awoke early this morning from another excitement filled dream with a head full of spinning thoughts, and ten pounds-worth of pointy puppy feet jabbing into my overfilled bladder. In the dream I was undressing Hilary Clinton while Chelsea was poking me with a stick to make me stop. The poking dream hurt.
“Wake up, shithead, and take us out,” I heard in awake an voice. “The goat dog has already pissed in one of your new boots and I’m ready to shit the bed.”
It was the Squirt, and she was intentionally leveraging her weight back-and-forth between my swollen bladder and my nut sack. The new boots are the ones I bought for my planned Santa Fe protestings. My old hiking boots have worn tread not worthy of my new native city’s often-slick winter concrete.
“Stop trying to cause internal bleeding, shitbird, I’m getting up,” I grogged at her. “I never should have given you that biology lesson.”
A few weeks ago I gave the dogs lessons in the differences in anatomies in dogs and humans. Squirt wanted to gain a keen understanding because, as she said, “I’m just curious as to why we shit more than you. We eat only twice daily and you always seem to be stuffing something into your mouth.” I now know that she was researching ways to manipulate me.
“If you jab my bladder again, I’ll sell your short-bowel digestive system to the Malaysians for Satay. Now get off me and let’s go outside.”
Squirt stared at me with big brown eyes and poked my liver with her back foot and jumped off onto the floor. “Now!” she shouted, “Let’s get with it.”
When the three of us got to the back door, we found that Santa Fe had received another dusting of snow. We walked outside, where Yoda and I went to the base of the big Ponderosa pine tree to pee. I looked over my shoulder to make sure Squirt was doing her business on the little patch of grass planted as her bathroom but she wasn’t there. I looked over my other shoulder to see her taking a giant crap on the welcome mat just outside the door.
“What the hell are you doing, Squirt? Stop right now and do your business on the grass.”
The adorable little bucket of piss and vinegar didn’t even bother to look at me when she said, “Up yours, asshole. Until you sweep the snow off my grass, I’m doing business right here.”
We then had an extended debate about her potty habits that ended with the Squirt saying to me, she said, “As soon as you drop your drawers and take a shit in knee-deep snow, I’m crapping on this rug.”
There’s now a soup bowl-sized hole in a snowdrift over to the corner of the back yard containing my most recent bowel movement, and I still can’t feel my ass cheeks. The longer I’m a parent, the more I realize just how difficult proper parenting can be. I have always believed that a good father leads by example—a parenting tenet that I need to learn how to properly use.
It’s like that old saying “Sauce for goose = sauce for gander”? Not always true.
Which reminds me. Walmart internal Emails have been uncovered that prove Walmart executives knew that company officials were using bribes to gain favor in foreign countries. Then they lied about it to Federal investigators.
Seems that some of the bribes involved payments that allowed Walmart to build one of their stores on ancient Mayan ruins down to Mexico. Maybe that’s the end of the world that Mayan Calendar predicted.
With the uncovering of these Emails, turns out that maybe Walmart has been bribing officials all over the world. Again, what a surprise. Walmart might be one of the Top Ten Evil Businesses in the World. They are top three in America and we, as Americans, need to take a stand and bring a stop to Walmart’s unbridled greed.
You don’t save money shopping at Walmart, folks, those “low Walmart prices” are a trick. They take advantage of their employees and suppliers and governments to reduce their costs and increase profits. We, as their customers, pay extra taxes and suffer lost income in various ways to support Walmart’s egregious business practices. They break our laws and profit from the suffering of underpaid sweatshop workers toiling in unsafe conditions worldwide.
The Walton family already own more of our country’s private wealth than 100,000,000 other Americans combined—an estimated 20% of all our wealth! They have enough already, so let’s stop Walmart’s greed.
If I can get my shit together I’m going to start marching on the local Walmart store. Maybe you’ll join me. Manana, y’all.