Mooner Proclamation: All Catholics Are Assholes


So. Another wonderful day in paradise and the politics of the world grind on. And on, and on. The President’s State of the Union Address last night was full of hope and plans to create better options for middle class America. Many of his proposals were specific and many require the consent of our dysfunctional Congress.

Of course, the Republicans had their airtime to rebuke the President, this year in the face of Senator Marco “I’m So Nervous My Kidneys Have Bonded to My Sphincter” Rubio—a man who seems to have gone to the Mitt Romney School For Two-Faced Political Gibberish. Marco actually blamed Obama for the recession and accused him of not giving specific plans, and told various of the Republicans’ great lies.

It was while watching the red-faced, dry-mouthed Rubio speak that it dawned on me that all of this bullshit was orchestrated by someone, somewhere. Somebody is pulling the strings for the Repubbies and keeping them on the straight and stupid. There is a man, or men, somewhere who is managing the talking points for these guys and guiding the public face of the right-wing Christian conservatives.

Who? I want to know who it is. Who is so powerful as to take the /-300 conservative US legislators who were stepping all over their dicks and clitorissi a month ago to demonstrate that they “finally got it” about American voters, and turn the entire bunch back into the brain dead shitballs of November 1, 2012?

OK, stop. Maybe that should have been “clitorises”. Clitoratti, maybe. For a man so in love with them, you’d think I’d be better informed.

Then there is this entire Pope dealio. As the only high-ranking church official to ever attempt to arrest and defrock even one rapist priest out of the Catholic church, I see this guy—regrettably—as one of their best. This is a sad, sad statement to say that one of the best men in the Catholic Church is among the best because he wanted to do the right thing once out of a thousand cases. This Pope is a prick, his predecessor was a prick, and his likely successor will likewise be a prick. Until they put a Pope in place who provides local prosecutors worldwide with the Church’s files on pedophile Priests collected by Pope Bennie the Rat Turd, all Popes will continue to be pricks.

We now know that the Church has known unquestionably that the rapes and the cover-ups have been committed by Church officials from the lowliest Parish Priest all the way to the fucking Popes. Multiple Popes have continued the cover-ups. In truth, almost every Catholic Parish worldwide has harbored these criminal abusers. The evidence is so voluminous that it would topple many free governments.

Yet with all of that knowledge, the Catholic Church chugs on, filling its pews with loyal Catholic asses and it’s coffers with the coin of its blindly faithful.

Anybody out there a Catholic? Care to justify to us precisely why you are still a Catholic. Anybody care to tell us how you can pray and worship through the hierarchy of an organization that, basically, aids and abets the mass raping of your faith’s children? Can any Catholic out there provide an understandable rationalization for remaining faithful to your Pope and his silly edicts?

Other than that old tried and true lie about how you take the good with the bad, how do you fucking stand yourself as a Catholic. How can you sleep at night knowing that your monetary tithes, Catholic School tuitions and bake sale proceeds have often gone to feed, cloth and shelter men who raped your faith’s kids. How do you live with the knowing that you—Mr. And Mz. Ordinary Catholic—are funding people who ruin children’s lives in the name of your God?

For many years I have held only the Priests and Cardinals and the fucking Popes to blame for this crime against humanity. No longer. With all of the proof that your church has actually hidden and protected the perpetrators of child abuse—fuck that. The Holy Roman Fucking Catholic Church has encouraged pedophiles to enter and stay in the Priesthood and the everyday members are now fully aware. You have the proof that it is still happening.

Knowing this, I, Butcher Einstein “Mooner” Johnson, do hereby make the public pronouncement that I hold all practicing Catholics responsible for the centuries of rapes and abuses committed on your children by church officials.

Fuck all Catholics!!! Every one of you. How dare you call yourselves Christians and men of God when you support and fund these crimes.

Has to be clitorissi. Clitoris, the dictionary claims, is believed to be from the Greek word meaning, “To shut.” Therefore, I’m convinced it’s clitorissi, and it seems somehow appropriate as I’ve been shut out from them for quite some time. And why is it only “believed” to be from the Greek. Eve had one for shitsakes, it isn’t a newly-evolved appendage. We should know more about them.

Which reminds me. Has anyone heard from the Reckmonster?

Manana, y’all.

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7 Responses to “Mooner Proclamation: All Catholics Are Assholes”

  1. Squatlo says:

    Last I heard she was going to Mass, why?

  2. Squatlo says:

    That was a joke, so if you’re out there reading this somewhere Ms. Reckmonster, do call off the dogs and cancel the sanction hit on yours truly.

    Mooner, you’ve taken this Papal bashing to a whole nuther level, man. Not that I have a problem with it, being a recovering Catholic myself, but there are a lot of really, really good people (many of my beer swilling Yankee relatives among them) who are semi-devout practicing Catholics. Those folks don’t feel any differently about the abuses than you do, but when you’ve been raised in the Church it’s a part of you and your heritage. My ex-bro-in-law is in charge of Catholic Social Services in the Nashville diocese, and I can tell you he’s a good guy with a heart of gold… sponsors immigrants, finds housing and work for families… good guy. He’s not part of the problem.

    BUT, having said that, anyone who supports a criminal organization in any manner, especially financially, bears part of the responsibility for the crimes it commits. And make no mistake, the Catholic Church has been a criminal organization for much its history. There is no excuse, no rationalization that makes it all okay. Until they disclose the identities of the perps, and make the victims whole for their crimes (impossible, I know) they’ll be right there with every other massive criminal enterprise.

    Ironically, I watched the original Joan of Arc movie with Bergman and Ferrar today, and thought about you a time or two when they were holding trial…

    You might get a little backlash for this post, but anyone who knows your story will understand. Besides, every word of it is true, and needs to be said more often. Turning a blind eye to a world-wide systemic abuse ring that makes Jerry Sanduski and the PSU case pale by comparison just won’t do anymore.

  3. Katy Anders says:

    I think that the abuse scandals are just the result of the way the Church operates. Local bishops have always operated as sort of little dictators within their territory, with the attitude of what goes on there is no one else’s business.

    The same thing happens when a local priest is busted embezzling. The bishop kicks him out, he goes to the next diocese over, and if THAT diocese’s bishop asks his old bishop why he left, he probably won’t be told. So embezzling priest from Diocese #1 gets put in charge of the money in Diocese #2 and the cycle starts again.

    And if they don’t want to be answerable to other bishops, they sure as hell aren’t going to want to be answerable to the police.

    Presumably, your problem pluralizing “clit” has something to do with not being able to locate the word in a dictionary? I’ve heard locating clitoris can be an issue for guys…

  4. Mooner Johnson needs sexing says:

    Squat. And Hitler loved children and puppies. How many good deeds would would Jeffery Dahmer be required to perform to balance his evil deeds? How many hours of community service would be required of any neighbor of his who knew what was going on in that house before we could see that neighbor as a decent human?

    How many immigrants must your ex-bro-in-law sponsor before his heart turns to gold while he knowling sponsors and funds Priest pedophiles? Is it like guilding, whereat the first sponsored event gold plates his left ventricle and by the time he does the fiftieth sponsor his heart is 99,998% pure gold?

    How do you fucking quantify the balance of good and evil when you don’t STOP the evil? How does a Catholic pay pentance for sins he has no intention to stop committing them?


    Katy. As an old dog, I could use some lessons on new tricks. Should you choose to spend a weekend walking on the dark side…

  5. Squatlo says:

    Katy’s last line of her comment is pure genius!

  6. Mooner Johnson needs sexing says:

    Squat. Katy is my hero!

  7. Adrian says:

    Catholics are a disease.

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