Black Smoke- Whaaaa; Catholics Catch A Day Of Peace


So. Black came billowing from the Pope Alert Smokestack rather than white yesterday, marking a day of freedom for the world’s Catholics. Me—if I were Catholic—would rejoice. If I were Catholic I’d be glad that my chosen religion had managed to survive a full day without one of the string of God’s second-hand men. For those of you wondering why I didn’t say “God’s right-hand men”, to me, there is nothing right about the hierarchy of the Holy Roman Catholic Church.

OK, please allow me to stop right here because if I were Catholic I’d have slit my own throat years ago and none of this would matter. That said, would somebody please answer me this question. Where in the Bible did Jesus say that He wished to be honored and worshiped in giant fucking cathedrals? Wasn’t Jesus the guy (Guy?) who told the money-grubbing currency exchangers to get the fuck off sacred religious soil? Didn’t our boy (Boy?) Jesus encourage us to gather and hunt for our salvations in small groups rather than in mega churches?

In all of those childhood Vacation Bible Schools I attended as a kid, did I miss the part where Jesus said, “OK, boys, here’s what you do to honor My spirit (Spirit?). Find the fussiest old prune-faced male pedophiles among you and dress them up in silly red gowns. Have those assholes elect a Queen from among themselves to serve as front man, and let me reinforce that I said men. Oh, and how about we have all these shitheads wear really ornate headgear. You know how I love the headgear. Once you’ve got yourself a Queen, figure the best way to raise cash in My name. I’m OK with you raping and murdering and pillaging and spreading disease and poverty, just so long as you do it in my name. Oh-oh-oh… Do it this a way. Be all humble and shit and mimic forming a cross over your heart, and say, ‘In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.’ And somebody will need to figure out just what the Holy Spirit is. In a few thousand years there will be this guy who has real trouble with that one.”?

And I do. That entire Holy Spirit shit has perplexed me from the beginning of my religious indoctrinations. I get the concept of God just fine. Anytime we aren’t smart enough to figure something out as a species, we can use God as the originator (Originator?). Anytime something good happens we can thank God. And anytime something goes terribly wrong we can blame God.

But wait once more, as we’ve just hit upon another instance whereupon I don’t get the Christian shit. If I’m to place all my faith in God, and He fucks me over… I’m finding fault. If the big boy (Big Boy?) wants me to credit Him with every little thing that I do or that goes right in my entire pitiful life—if He is so needy and insecure as to require credit for making every good thing happen—the the Big He needs to suck it to and to take some fucking responsibility.

Be a man (Man?), God. Teach us how to bear responsibility for our own shit with Your example. I think this little screw up of yours is where the entire religion-as-a-life-format has gone so terribly wrong. As long as we can use You for justification, we’ll misuse Your name (Name?).

Which reminds me that I’m not at all pleased with the capitalization rules for God’s grammar shit. We either need to capitalize all references to God and His stuff, or none of it. Like that last word in the previous paragraph wherein I questioned the capitalization of God’s Name (name?).”

Anyway, I was awakened by the dogs in their obvious confusion as to the recent time change—another of Mankind’s misconceptions as to how to better live life. Just like with that “Holy Spirit” bullshit, I’ve been waiting fifty years for someone to tell me just one logical reason to ruin my life twice every year by rearranging the time. I’ve got one dog springing forward for an early breakfast and a second shitting in my shoes because she doesn’t like my explanations as to “Why it’s not breakfast time” any better than I like my explanations.

“Makes no fucking sense, Mooner,” the Squirt told me at the new 4:00 am MDST. “Now get your ass up and feed me before I take a dump in your new shoes.”

So I’m up and bothering you guys. Manana, y’all.


Print Friendly

4 Responses to “Black Smoke- Whaaaa; Catholics Catch A Day Of Peace”

  1. bj says:

    One of the many problems associated with cults of any kind is their strict adherence to secrecy on all things Church related. Unless you join the club, of course and then the secrets are kept and maintained by the secret rulers in their secret councils. Pick a cult … any cult; Catholic Church, Mormon Church, Scientology, Baptists, Methodist, Muslim, etc., …. they all play their cards close to the vest and unless YOU join in (REALLY join …. not just pretend join) … you never learn the secret handshake. The reason everything must be kept under wraps and all negative events swept under the rug? Perpetuation of the club and all the money, sex, and gluttony that goes with it. The LAST thing any of these cults want is for you to start seeking The Truth. Smoke and Magic with a heaping helping of Fear and Prejudice, keeps the slack jawed masses Wowed(!) and in line. Didja hear Archbishop Piero Marini, the Papal Master Of Ceremonies, tell everybody “extra omnes!” yesterday? He was talking to you, me, and everyone else that doesn’t wear a red beanie. “Shhhhh …. don’t ask questions. Just watch for the magic smoke!” If there WERE a god? THAT motherfucker would be PISSED, dontcha know!

  2. bj says:

    And mostly POWER! … I forgot to add how men wearing dresses and huge brightly colored hats love POWER! Money, sex, power …… yeah, that about covers it.

  3. Squatlo says:

    Shit, it’s not much different than how backroom politics is played in most American towns and cities today… The big money boys don’t want the peasants cluttering up the room and pitchin’ a bitch every time they aren’t recognized via Roberts’ Rules of Parliamentary Procedure. It’s just easier to get things done, and to keep the status quo cruisin’ along, if they do it behind closed doors.

    Besides, if they just had an open election, the next thing you’d have is attack commercials, Super PACs, and a perfectly good chimney at the Vatican would probably go to waste.

    If you watch the Vatican and this entire holy smokes! bullshit, it can sort of remind you of the Da Vinci Code, only with less appealing characters.

  4. Cynthianne says:

    Been off the nets for a couple days, so I’m late to the party..

    There’s a new pope now, who is an improvement on the previous one in that there is, as yet, no hint of any involvement with the pederasty scandal in his past. Other than being reactionary and bigoted, the only blot on his eschuteon is the persistent suspicion that he collaborated with the murderous military junta that ousted Peron and terrorized Argentina for years. Just different skeletons in his closet. Not a big surprise… Here comes the new boss, same as the old boss.

    I’ve always regarded the “father, the son, and the holy ghost (or holy spirit)” business as gobble-de-gook to impress the rubes. It does have a nice cadence to it, but I wouldn’t waste brain cells trying to make sense of it. Trying to make sense of any religious dogma is a fool’s game.

    The one thing that does annoy the heck out of me about many “Christians” is their fixed belief that everything good that happens is god’s doing, but everything bad that happens is the victim’s fault. During the aftermath of Katrina, one of my coworkers, who was a contract sales employee based in Mississippi, went around the office for days talking about the devastation in his little town, and loudly thanking god for saving him. Grrr. THEN I found out he was a Rush Limburger fan.

    I cope with the daylight savings time nonsense by ignoring the clock as much as possible, and getting up at the same time year round- in winter it’s 4 a.m., in summer it’s 5 a.m. The only drawback is the one time I wound up at work at 6 instead of 7 when I missed the “fall back” day. But I’m an early bird- this strategery would be a lot harder for night owls, I imagine.

Leave a Reply