Selective Absolutism; Simple Solutions To Complex Problems


So. I was driving I-25 between Albuquerque and Santa Fe on my way home last night and a thought hit me. Ed Schultz was on the radio and he was discussing the asshole Republican from Ohio, Senator Portman, who recently found out that his son is homosexual. This man, upon learning from his own child that the son was “born homosexual” and didn’t choose “the life” and that this young man has “always been” homosexual, has gone from sponsoring the Defense of Marriage Act to supporting the freedom to marry whoever you choose.

Whomever you choose?

This man’s son having had this particular conversation with his parents is hardly remarkable in today’s World. I’ll bet this very instant there are thousands of young people girding their loins to have the same talk with their parents—sweating and fretting and frittering brain cells away in the angst all children experience when we worry that we will disappoint our families in some major way.

Nothing remarkable about these closet cleanings happening across the globe with an increased regularity. Me, I find this heartening in every imaginable way. Our world becomes more enlightened every day. If only so many of us wouldn’t close our eyes to the light that makes us uncomfortable or those rays of truth that challenge our dogma.

But what is remarkable about this particular closet evacuation is that this Republican congressman from Ohio has been a staunch opponent of same sex marriage his entire career. Every chance to attack the issue, this shithead managed to find face time to condemn gays from having this most basic human rights. He fucking sponsored the Defense of Marriage Act!

Until it hit home. His home. Now, he’s “rethinking the issue”.

Ed Schultz brought up the issue that these right-wing Christian fuckballs are against each and every human right and social issue until it hits them there square to their house. Then, they decide they need to “rethink” the issue. They choose to be absolutely against something because of their “core beliefs” until it helps them to rethink the issue.

This made me think about “Someone Shrunk My Teddy” Cruz—the unimaginably dense US Senator from Texas. This boy’s momma dried his undies in a way-too fucking hot dryer when he was a kid and pinched his brains up tight against his asshole. Cruz talked-down to Senator Feinstein on the Constitution and Bill of Rights like she was a first grader. Using the stupid logic and lies so often employed by people with no facts at their disposal, “All-shrunked-up” Teddy chose to defend, with absolution, certain sections of our Nation’s Charter while pretending other sections and the grammatical modifiers don’t exist. He, in effect, rewrote the Constitution and Bill of Rights to say what he wished they said.

And that made me think of the arch conservative Christians—the ones who choose to believe that the Bible is the literal words of God, except for when they don’t.

So. Like I said, I was driving between the ABQ and Santa Fe. I was at that spot whereat you crest this one hill and suddenly see the valley where Santa Fe starts its meandering that ends in the Sangre de Christo Mountains. Each time I see this sight I almost cry with its beauty. Last night as it came into my view, I had an “Ah-Ha!” moment.


I yelled it and slammed my hand on the thick, padded steering wheel of my work truck. “Son, of a fucking, bitch! Now I get it.”

What I got was the answer to a question that has pestered me for decades. The question? “How can you easily identify an asshole?”

The answer? “When they practice Selective Absolutism.”

Anytime a person has absolute convictions to a small part of a policy or issue or doctrine yet denies validity of other parts—that, dear friends—is the asshole marker. Like the Christian shithead who will condemn homosexuality because he believes that the Bible is the literal word of God. If the words in the Bible are God’s literal words, then why aren’t these same charismatic Christians killing all their current Prophets?

In Deuteronomy 18:20-22, God said, “…A false Prophet is one whose words don’t come true, and they must be put to death…” Then in Ezekiel 14:9, God tells us that, “…A Prophet who is deceived is deceived by God and, again, must be put to death…”

Therefore, and ipso-fucking facto, anytime Pat Robertson made a boo-boo in his predictions… He was to have been sacrificed in the name of God for his sins. The actual act of making a prediction that doesn’t come true is God taking action against the impure—some shithead who uses God’s name under false pretenses.

And Selective Absolutism doesn’t apply just to right-wing conservatives. The same logic can be used with liberals as well. Like Jessee “The Crazy Made Me Do It” Jackson, Jr. Jessee—dude—when you stake a claim to defend the downtrodden and then steal their money… You are an asshole. You’re a liberal asshole, but an asshole none-the-less.

Holy shit but does this ever make life easier for me. I spend so much time in my attempts to specifically distinguish precisely what it is that makes a person an asshole, that it wears on me. Now it’s easy. Now I have more time to pursue Allie McGraw. Now I’m taking the puppies on a walk over to the railroad tracks walking path for a chance encounter with Mz. Love Story.

Manana, y’all.

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13 Responses to “Selective Absolutism; Simple Solutions To Complex Problems”

  1. Squatlo says:

    “Asshole means never having to say you’re wrong”? A friend of mine was talking to me one night as we sat out back looking at the stars and passing a doobie back and forth, and I asked him to define a “bitch” for me, because he used the word to describe both men and women in his VERY cluttered personal life. His definition might fit your new epiphany for designating assholes.

    He said “It’s pretty simple. A bitch is a person who can’t let something go.”

    That was it. No modifiers, no exceptions, no loopholes. If a person can’t get the fuck over something, no matter how much time has passed or how well things have turned out for them since it happened, that person is a bitch. If a man can’t understand basic human rights and dignities unless it affects him or one of his own, then he’s pretty much a bitch AND an asshole.

    I’ve got a couple of close relatives who are great people, as good as any I’ve found, but they’re only kind to me because their marriage to a sibling of mine has made me (by law) one of “their own”. If a stranger came upon their scene bearing the same philosophies, opinions, and attitudes of yours truly, that person would be shunned like a leper. I can, therefore, introduce opinions that run contrary to their normal line of thinking, and every now and then (not often) see some movement in their rigid stance on a position.

    If I “came out” as gay, or if one of their beloved grandkids “came out”, I’m sure they would soften their positions toward equal rights and same-sex marriage, because then the “abomination” would have a familiar face.

    I heard a person on one of the cable chatfests say that the difference between liberals and conservatives was that liberals can see a position from another’s point of view, and a conservative can’t.

    If you’ll remember, Dick Darth Vader Cheney was a staunch opponent of gay rights until his own daughter came out. Now he’s “evolved” on the issue, and sees merit in letting adults live their own lives free of societal condemnation. Too bad his daughter isn’t poor, or an immigrant, because then he might soften his hard-ass stance against those folks.

    Maybe we should all wish for a cosmic event that allows us all to experience the life of someone whose views we currently abhor, just to see what they’ve been through or feel when certain situations arise. It might clarify the universe for us all.

    But an asshole would still be an asshole, and a bitch would still be a bitch.

    They can’t fucking let it go.

  2. Mooner Johnson needs sexing says:

    Squat. In my eyes, being a bitch is a temporary condition whereas assholes always will be so. I also find that when a person uses the word bitch to describe others all the time, that person is typically engaged in self introspections and projections.

    I think a true conservative can see from another’s perspective, they just don’t like the view. It’s the asshole conservatives without empathic vision.

  3. Squatlo says:

    It’s also possible that a guy can attract an inordinate number of bitchy people in his life, like a bitch magnet. This guy, bless his heart, could aggravate an anvil. Hence a lifetime of making relatively reasonable people go mega-bitch on his ass from time to time. But, regardless of how they found him, he DOES have a perspective on bitchy folks that comes from a lifetime of experience.

    I’ve not met one of those compassionate conservatives you referred to, but I’ve heard about from time to time, depending upon the campaign theme du jour. Been my experience that a conservative tends to be an individual whose mantra is basically “I, Me, Mine… I got mine, get yours!” If someone related to them by blood needs help, why, they’re the epitome of Christian charity and compassion. Let a person of color, or someone with an “odd” last name (“He ain’t from around here, by god…”) come along with the exact same problem, and you’d think they had asked for a testicle donation.

    I don’t see liberals making that distinction. We might not crowd the churches and toss our money into the “Let’s go convert Honduras” fund, but we would make a donation to a relief fund in Honduras.

    Just my opinion. Oughta be yours.

    BTW, whatever happened to Gram? Her input on your blobber stories made for entertaining reading, especially when she was asking you “Who gives a shit?!”

  4. bj says:

    Yes, Yes …. “Bitchy” can be a passing mood … but “Asshole” is a state of being. A Bitch can be an Asshole and an Asshole may be a Bitch but one is transient while the other is in perpetuity. Reminds me of the conversation between Jules and Vincent about Tony Rocky Horror and foot massages …. “Same Ballpark … different game”.
    But if GOD made me … didn’t he also make me a bitchy asshole? In HIS image?
    Say hello to Ms. Allie for me ……….

  5. Katy Anders says:

    If more Senators could have accidentally had black kids in the Fifties, Jim crow might have ended early!

    You’re wrong about the selective absolutism, though: Conservative Christian fundamentalists are just prioritizing the IMPORTANT parts of the Bible. Mostly Leviticus and Deuteronomy, although not the parts there about all-eyed people or shrimp.

  6. Mooner Johnson needs sexing says:

    Beej. We’re obviously brothers. But chance encounters of the Love Story Kind are way too fucking personal to share. Just saying.

    Katy. That was my point and, as always, better said by you. Which reminds me. I usually find myself enamoured (infatuated should I have spelled that one wrong) with women that lesbian women likewise find attractive. Does Ms. McGraw tingle your berries?

    To: One and All. How many grammatical errors and misspellings in 1,500 words does it take to make prose trash? I find myself too busy for more than eight or nine proofs before posting these days. Then after I read the posted words and make a handful of corrections, I find more errors subsequently. I need an able bodied assistant to rub my feet while I write. I can pay minimum wage ($10.29 here to Santa Fe) and provide room, board and naturally-occuring mind-altering substances. Must like dogs and have patience. Experience with ADHD children a plus.

    Apply here.

  7. Cynthianne says:

    The verbal contortions of your ramblings are part of their charm, but if it resulted in your posting more often, I would be happy to proofread them free, gratis and for nothing. I do like dogs and have patience, but ixnay on the ootfay ubsray.

  8. Mooner Johnson needs sexing says:

    C’anne. Did I mention that I have “TV” feet? Large and handsome peds with immaculate grooming, and the fungus is mostly controlled.

  9. Q says:

    This is a great read. So many times, politicians won’t address anything until it lands at their doorstep. That can be anything from abortion rights to the “war” on drugs. It’s so sad how the average person has to deal with so many issues in the world, including who they love, while others fight against it. Well, at least until it affects them.

    As for the Bible thumpers. I despise nothing worse than a Hypo-Christian. The type of religious hypocrite who picks and chooses what they enforce out of the Bible. I won’t even get started on them because they give people who really “walk the walk” a bad name.

  10. Mooner Johnson needs sexing says:

    Hey, Q. My daddy told me that the crookedest businessmen I would ever encounter are the ones with a Bible on their desk. An extremely accurate predictor. Asshole has a Bible “displayed” for the world to see, I choose to do my business elsewhere.

    Then again, Daddy told me that sex isn’t such a big deal.

    Then again, again, Daddy was married to Mother.

  11. Cynthianne says:


    Apologies for going off topic, but the Mayor of Santa Fe, David Coss, is introducing a resolution in the city council affirming that under current NM state law, same-sex marriages are completely legal, backed up by an opinion from the city attorney, and county clerks can legally issue marriage licenses for such.

    It must be a real kick for you to get away from Gov. Goodhair in Austin and into the jurisdiction of a flaming liberal. Wish ABQ was so lucky- our mayor is a Republican who recently made local news by stating that he would not bother enforcing the new minimum wage passed by the voters. So much for law’n’order republicans.

  12. Mooner Johnson needs sexing says:

    C’anne. What is it about the Repubbies that they ignore the Peoples’ voice? They get all “Law and Order” until it suits them to be otherwise. Sounds like the second verse of Selective Absolutionism.

    And I love my new home town. Fuck Prick Perry.

  13. bj says:

    I’m certain yer Enchantedland Mountains is swell ‘n all …. but you gotta be missing SXSW … if not Gov. Goodhair …..

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