An Actual Apology; Hens’ Teeth And Other Rarities


So. One of Nature’s miracles has happened here to Enchantedland. One of those freakish events that set your mouth agape, and in this case, warms your heart. OK, and also gives you hope that spending your adult life practicing your personal morals is worthwhile.

You know how some practicings of personal integrities often go as many good deeds sometimes go, right? As with many of the small niceties you spread among the general population as an honest and caring person that end up with a smack to the face. Just like that time I informed the nice lady that the back rope to her Matador Red thong had slipped its groove and was riding wide right, and had gathered the flimsy fabric of her short skirt to the point that I could read the artfully-applied “I (tattooed heart) Homeboy” ink splatter displayed on the cheek of her adorable bottom at just above the crease where cheek meets thigh.

That last sentence might require several readings to gain the imparted knowledge, therein, but reread with the understanding that it says, with a high degree of precision, precisely what I meant to say. And also know that my ADHD seems to be in check this beautiful morning.

We were in the big mall down to the ABQ, and I had gathered the moral strength to speak to her. Having prior experience in these matters, I knew a certain light hand was required. “Ah, Miss,” I carefully interrupted her conversation with a second woman I assumed was her Homegirl, “I just want you to know that…” and I told her of the wardrobe malfunction in a carefully detailed recounting. We were in the “Young Misses” section of Macy’s, and I finished with, “When I first noticed, you were in the shoe store, I saw that you were in trouble when you tried on that pretty pink leather jacket there to the Petite Casuals store. I didn’t want to bother you until I was certain you were in jeopardy here.”

Cute Latino lady gave me a smile followed by a quite quizzed look, and then one of the hardest slaps I’ve ever had. “Usted inappropriano madre fucker,” and, “Whap!!!”

As a man having been slapped often, I can tell you that it would be the slight woman that will slap stars on your face. Husky women seem to have a heavier punch, but the slight ladies will slap the Milky Way all up in your head.

Anyway, as you know, I’ve recently taken the highest possible moral ground a man can take—the ground that lay prey to personal punishment and retributions for having homesteaded said high ground. I was at first punished and had my integrity impugned for having done the right thing. Human events being what they are occasionally, I was shown to be not a liar but a man with at least a modicum of integrity and things were made right.

In fact, things were made as right as they could get as the other human being involved in the matter made one of the most heart felt and sincere apologies I have ever heard. And made it twice.

I must admit that having stood my ground during this event gave me a giant sense of well being as a man. Knowing that you can do the right thing when rubber meets road is a truly good feeling about yourownself. And this apology did the same thing for my opinion of people in general. Knowing that there are men and women who can admit wrong and make amends in a meaningful way seems to be a lost art.

We see it every day as athletes and celebrities and politicians make their meager apologies on the TV—apologies not designed to actually make amends, apologies instead orchestrated to limit damage and restore brand. I see these apologies and lose even more respect for the apologizer than already lost.

OK, except for when I had no respect in the first place. Like with the tyrant, Cesar Chris Christy. Anybody think that egomaniacal bastard has it in him to actually apologize?

Fuck me running. Word Check just informed me that egomaniacal isn’t an actual word. It also approved Homeboy but not Homegirl.

“Eat shit and die, Word Check.”

And Fuck Walmart as well! Mas tarde, y’all.

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2 Responses to “An Actual Apology; Hens’ Teeth And Other Rarities”

  1. bj says:

    At first I was thinkin’ “Whatta Bitch” … but then I’m like … she watched you watchin’ her ass … and you were doomed no matter what you said. She got the inappropriate part right though, sooo .. whaddaya’ gonna do? amirite? I think it was Spike Lee who said … “Doin’ The Right Thing Is It’s Own Reward”. Maybe not but the point is that’s why it’s called Doin’ Good cause that’s how you feel. Bein’ right all the time is a good thing, I reckon, but a better person corrects their mistakes and makes amends … cause, who don’t make mistakes? I’m talkin’ about REGULAR people … like us. When a muhfuh is under public SCRUTINY …. that magnifying glass over your ass 24-7-365 GOT-damn! but then …… (this especially applies to Gov. Double-wide McFatass)
    Stop following strange women in malls. A slap is one experience, a tazer’s (cue Keb Mo’) A Whole ‘Nutha Thang!

  2. Katy Anders says:

    You did that girl and perhaps the public a service. It will be recognized someday.

    Until then, well, there are worse things in the world than getting slapped. This could have all taken place in a WalMart.

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