Dixie and Squirt

As translated by Mooner Johnson, Dixie “Dog of Wonder” Johnson describes herself as follows:

I am a mature female Golden Retriever of sixteen human years. I hold degrees in Languages and the Humanities from several prestigious universities including Kings College- London, Ecole Normale Superieure Paris, Osaka University- Japan, and The University of Granada. I am a language savant and can speak most human languages; all base languages of domesticated farm animals; most reptilian dialects; all bird except hummingbird and condor; all discovered dialects of rice, cotton, wheat, hemp and ginger; any nightshade and especially tomato and egg plant; most plant varieties with origins in Asia; others. My specialty is spore- mushrooms and their ilk, as I can speak any known dialect.

Mooner Johnson is my agent and usual companion but I actually prefer to spend time with Squirt and Streaker Jones. I enjoy Streaker Jones because he is the most caring, intelligent and focused man I know. Squirt appears to have my same linguistic abilities, a true heart and strong will, and a highly inappropriate nature. I am training Squirt to speak so that she may take my place in support of the many business enterprises, interesting relationships and legal entanglements, of Mooner Johnson.

I am getting older now and wish to groom Squirt to take my place in all but my activities assisting Streaker Jones with his agricultural experiments. The discovery of new spore language varieties is my late-life calling. Their languages range from musical and harmonious sounds to wretched gags and weeping. They are fascinating.

Additionally, I am a renowned singer with many recordings and last year I received a European Grammy Award for my rice soothing sound loop titled Feel the Muck At My Feet. If Mooner ever gets his act together, my work will be available here at the Store on MoonerJohnson.com.

I am the fourth generation of my family to be best friends with the Johnson family and as I am childless, the last. But Mooner is wearing me out- he is a giant pain in the ass and I am just too old to keep up with him anymore. Calculate how old I am in dog years and you will understand. I have been in psychotherapy for eleven years with Dr. Sam I. Am-Johnson and have come to realize that my last years need to be spent with endeavors of my own choosing.

And from Mooner:

I love Dixie in spite of the fact that she is an ungrateful fleabag. She has gotten me out of many jams using her contacts around the world. Dixie is a member of our family. I will not let her out of her contract.

Squirt Am-Johnson, again as translated by Mooner Johnson, in her own words:

Ich bin uber half Dachshund un la media de la Chihuahua and I am grateful to servicio el Senor Mooner Johnson con los muchos idiamos including English, Swahili, Great Texas Psychedelic Mushroom, Domesticated Pig, Ostrich, German, Espanol and more. Dixie est teaching me and yo estudio hard.

I love Monsuir Johnson’s grown en la casa tomatoes so much that I have learned to say “tomato” in sixty languages. Some are: tomat, tomatur; tadam; snorkkish snuur; tratai; tomaguet; and my favorite- nyanya, which est Swahili por la tomat. I hate squirrels.

From Mooner:

Squirt is an adorable little shitbird and not yet ruined by Dixie. I want to teach her to fetch things for me and to do some tricks so as to round out her skill set. If I didn’t already have a main squeeze, I would use the Squirt to enhance my dating skills.

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