Rick Perry the Ostrich

The words of the ostrich Rick Perry are translated by Dixie Johnson; Dixie is translated by Mooner Johnson:

β€œI am Rick Perry, the ostrich, and I reside in Mooner Johnson’s closet with my mentor, Rush Limbaugh the pig. We are not homosexual but I think Rushie has a cute butt and I love to stick my snout in cute butts.

I am told that I am a member of the Struthio camelus domesticus species, that would be your basic African ostrich, but I have thought of myself as a great American domesticated hog since my birth. The first thing I saw when I broke from my shell as a baby was Sally the sow at the ranch where I was born. The rancher was a mean old bastard and left me on the side of the road when I was just six months old. I don’t know what I did to upset him so much.

I wandered around in circles for a few days and then I saw Rush Limbaugh playing games in Mooner’s big garden. Root the okra plants was the name of the game and it was fun. Rush is a very good player but there is this bad woman living here and she hates Rushie and me too. She is evil. In my native Africa she would be a good tribal leader in Somalia. She is a pirate and would cut your hand off.

I like my new apartment and hope to stay there after I get married.”

Mooner’s thoughts on his 300-pound bird:

β€œThe ostrich Rick Perry is, just like his namesake, clueless. While he can run 45 miles-per-hour for 30 minutes at a time, he runs in circles- just like the Governor. He has a cute face but a very small brain contained in a rigid, thick skull- just like the Governor.

Since he bonded with a pig as a young bird, he loves to stick his nose in people’s asses- again, just as Governor Perry has his nose up the asses of the right-wing religious shitballs of Texas. He has 46 feet of intestines and digestive track and his gas can ruin the paint job from cars, much the same as the mindless rhetoric that spews from our Governor’s mouth has ruined our fine State’s reputation around the world.

Except for my Gram, the ostrich Rick Perry is loved by all who know him. Gram has placed a $10,000 bounty for anyone who brings her his eyeballs in a jar of vinegar. My only problem is that he and Rush Limbaugh refuse to face their demons and come out of the closet.

And he yodels and sounds like a mixture of Roy Rogers and Minnie Pearl. If 1940’s country music makes a big comeback, I think Rick Perry can pay his own way around the ranch.”

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